Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.

   It takes a man to admit he's wrong....it takes a woman to get him to do it.

   Gore Vidal's parents set the bar pretty high for baby namin'

   My thoughts are strangers with rides and I keep getting in.

   The first 10 years of a girl's life is spent playing with barbies & the next 10 years are spent trying to look like one

   Why are these Occupy Wall Street hippies constantly interrupting perfectly peaceful gatherings of angry police officers?

   I wonder how popular the occupy Poland movement will get? #toosoon?

   Don't depend on other people for your happiness. Depend on alcohol instead.

   Polygamy is a lot like Monopoly. You can get screwed but you have to wait until it's your turn.

   Man Rule #4: Never be the last one on your street to bring the trash bins in.

   If the NBA players really were a union they'd start there own league.

   People need to stop trending #LMFAO. I've seen obesity statistics, you're not laughing anything off.

   If I die before I wake, I pray the lord my browsing history he will clear.

   My dog was licking his privates. My friend said "I wish I could do that". I said "You better pet him first, he's kind of mean".

   "We... did... start the fire..." - Billy Joel on his deathbed

   Congrats on your move out to LA. Now your chances of becoming a big star are only 1:9,575,972,204,712.

   REMEMBER:If you burn down your house on Thanksgiving....the Turkey wins

   I remmeber last year at christmas my ex girlfriend was so pissed that I gave her mother a mustache trimmer.

   An Airline introduced a Special Package for Businessmen; “BUY YOUR TICKET AND GET ONE FREE FOR YOUR WIFE” After a year of great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking if they enjoyed the free tickets. All of them gave the same reply

   Sorry folks, but until I get laid, I'm not thankful for s&!t this year.