Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Decades of vets went out & sacrificed their lives so you can eat a McRib & complain about how much your country sucks.

   There are girls complaining that there's no good guys left...Hello.....they are where you left them, IN THE FRIEND ZONE

   In order to reach enlightenment, you must Empty Your Mind. Unfortunately, Rick Perry took it literally.

   I wouldn't say I'm a Hopeless Romantic, but if we're having a 20 minute conversation about poop, then you might be Wife Material.

   it wouldn't be a second chance if it was the same mistake, it would be a third.

   I've failed the mathematics test so many times I lost count.

   Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.

   Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.

   It takes a man to admit he's wrong....it takes a woman to get him to do it.

   Gore Vidal's parents set the bar pretty high for baby namin'

   My thoughts are strangers with rides and I keep getting in.

   The first 10 years of a girl's life is spent playing with barbies & the next 10 years are spent trying to look like one

   Why are these Occupy Wall Street hippies constantly interrupting perfectly peaceful gatherings of angry police officers?

   I wonder how popular the occupy Poland movement will get? #toosoon?

   Don't depend on other people for your happiness. Depend on alcohol instead.

   Polygamy is a lot like Monopoly. You can get screwed but you have to wait until it's your turn.

   Man Rule #4: Never be the last one on your street to bring the trash bins in.

   If the NBA players really were a union they'd start there own league.

   People need to stop trending #LMFAO. I've seen obesity statistics, you're not laughing anything off.

   If I die before I wake, I pray the lord my browsing history he will clear.