Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My son weed whacked the yard without being asked... Impressed yes!! He broke out in a sweat the last time it was his turn to change the toilet paper roll.

   Chivalry is dead. Nowadays if a girl accidentally drops her book, no man one comes to pick it up for her. They will wait around and watch her bend over and pick it for herself.

   Happy Mother's Day to all the teen moms who just released a back door p0rn video this week.

   Bacon is natures way of making up for Monday mornings.

   I just bought a pair of socks at Jos A. Banks and got 3 free suits, 4 shirts and 4 ties!!

   WAIT, the kids in Weird Science made a perfect woman, but she was still able to talk?. Ahhhh,The innocence of youth.. (wife not looking,, hits send)

   First rule of the women's club: listen to us. No no, respect us. Wait no, love us for our mind. Hmm no...I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND.

   ME: Mom, I finally found a job! MOM: Great!,, What is it? ME: Debt collections.. MOM:... ME:... MOM:... ME: So, I think you know why I'm calling

   JAB, I had a nightmare I was a Toronto Maple Leafs fan. That's one dream I was glad to wake up from, I'm still laughing. Go Bruins. . .

   More social media's please.............. I have 20 min of real life to ignore

   Have you ever felt like you are surrounded by incompitence and realized you were by yourself

   Every breathalyzer you take" - The "real" Police

   My life coach just asked me to leave because apparently she has "other pedicures to do" and doesn't "speak English"!

   In light of the latest Abercrombie and Fitch scandal, I bought three A&F shirts today, its okay though, I was one of the popular kids in school.

   Please don’t drink and drive. Last night I put my hand out of the car to indicate I was turning right and some moron pulled the the bottle out of my hand!

   My girlfriend asked me if I see myself having kids...I told her to stop asking me childish questions.

   When you write misspelled backwards it's misspelled.

   "good goin' there einstein" "yeah way to go, einstein!" "nice move, einstein!" - the Einstein family reunion annual softball game

   If work didn't want me spinning right round baby right round like a record baby right round round round then why did they give me a swivel chair?

   I read that they are allowing Boy Scouts to be gay.... I thought it had always been mandatory that they were gay?