Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If she starts screaming things you’d only hear in a Pitbul song during sex. You’re doing it right.

   Next time your at your friends house steal his remote control. Every so often drive by his house and change the channell on his TV.

   Yeah, I followed a dream once. Turns out, the Harlem Globetrotters "don't really want" a 6th member named "Whitey McBiscuits".

   One night stand from 6 years ago just looked me up on facebook & wants to know "whats new?" How do I respond guys?

   It’s amazing how much a woman can accomplish without even putting her purse down.

   Adobe Reader should just watch the news like the rest of us for regular updates.

   scientific studies have shown that I hate you

   My son weed whacked the yard without being asked... Impressed yes!! He broke out in a sweat the last time it was his turn to change the toilet paper roll.

   Chivalry is dead. Nowadays if a girl accidentally drops her book, no man one comes to pick it up for her. They will wait around and watch her bend over and pick it for herself.

   Happy Mother's Day to all the teen moms who just released a back door p0rn video this week.

   Bacon is natures way of making up for Monday mornings.

   I just bought a pair of socks at Jos A. Banks and got 3 free suits, 4 shirts and 4 ties!!

   WAIT, the kids in Weird Science made a perfect woman, but she was still able to talk?. Ahhhh,The innocence of youth.. (wife not looking,, hits send)

   First rule of the women's club: listen to us. No no, respect us. Wait no, love us for our mind. Hmm no...I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND.

   ME: Mom, I finally found a job! MOM: Great!,, What is it? ME: Debt collections.. MOM:... ME:... MOM:... ME: So, I think you know why I'm calling

   JAB, I had a nightmare I was a Toronto Maple Leafs fan. That's one dream I was glad to wake up from, I'm still laughing. Go Bruins. . .

   More social media's please.............. I have 20 min of real life to ignore

   Have you ever felt like you are surrounded by incompitence and realized you were by yourself

   Every breathalyzer you take" - The "real" Police

   My life coach just asked me to leave because apparently she has "other pedicures to do" and doesn't "speak English"!