Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans. 
In a perfect relationship, the only fight you have is about who gets to sleep on the wet spot.
Love is: doing it in random spots all over the house so no one has to sleep in the wet spot.
The one thing I can guarantee after we have sex is I'm always satisfied.
Been looking on Craigslist all day for a pirate ship
The only downside to Madonna not coming to Australia is that it would have been fun to briefly host something older than ayers rock for a while . We didn't want that lip syncing museum to thrust her kimono wings at us anyway
Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation
First time dating a French girl, I wanted to look classy so I ordered foie gras & a grand cru. She ordered burger & fries. Now I'm the b!tch in this relationship.
Went to the movies in costume tonight just to find out that they were sold out! Felt a little out of place dressed as Batman sitting through the Katy Perry movie.
Last night I watched a TV show about burritos spinning in a circle for 2 hours before I realized I was really high & staring at my microwave
I can't believe the hookers you see on COPS ever..ever..get a customer..mmmm lesions
Cookie dough flavored vodka? Ugh. Stay out of the bar Mary Poppins.
Facebook is the best international stalking game I have ever played.
My girlfriend asked me if could help her with her math homework. It confused the shit out of me, mainly because I didn't know my hand talked
when is an elf not an elf? when she's giving oral sex she's a goblin.
Does your a** never get jealous of the s**t that comes out of your mouth?
For sale one air bass guitar, never played. One air drum set only played on Phil Colin's in the air tonight..... Lol
It's that time of the night when I openly taunt my ceiling fan for not having the guts to fall and crush me in my sleep.
We stick together like the pages in a porn magazine.
They say, "You are what you eat" That's funny. I don't remember eating a sexy beast this morning. 