Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First time dating a French girl, I wanted to look classy so I ordered foie gras & a grand cru. She ordered burger & fries. Now I'm the b!tch in this relationship.

   Went to the movies in costume tonight just to find out that they were sold out! Felt a little out of place dressed as Batman sitting through the Katy Perry movie.

   Last night I watched a TV show about burritos spinning in a circle for 2 hours before I realized I was really high & staring at my microwave

   I can't believe the hookers you see on COPS ever..ever..get a customer..mmmm lesions

   Cookie dough flavored vodka? Ugh. Stay out of the bar Mary Poppins.

   Facebook is the best international stalking game I have ever played.

   My girlfriend asked me if could help her with her math homework. It confused the shit out of me, mainly because I didn't know my hand talked

   when is an elf not an elf? when she's giving oral sex she's a goblin.

   Does your a** never get jealous of the s**t that comes out of your mouth?

   For sale one air bass guitar, never played. One air drum set only played on Phil Colin's in the air tonight..... Lol

   It's that time of the night when I openly taunt my ceiling fan for not having the guts to fall and crush me in my sleep.

   We stick together like the pages in a porn magazine.

   They say, "You are what you eat" That's funny. I don't remember eating a sexy beast this morning.

   To the wonderful staff at Walgreens....Thanks for the bathroom key and I am deeply deeply sincerely sorry

   I'm rich and drive a space shuttle to work! its true check my christianmingle.com profile you cant lie on there cuz jesus runs it

   I have a feeling that If I were to be sorted by the sorting hat at hogwarts, I'd be directly sent to the kitchens to work with the house elves.

   I can make a better duckface with my a$$hole.

   Team Edward? Team Jacob? WRONG! It was Team Rupert.

   Remember; It's always better to ask for forgiveness than for permission except when it's about @nal.

   I'm starting to get a wee bit tired of these retro ecards. I prefer reading status's in 3D, real time....