Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   90% of people who claim to have "come from the bottom" don't realise that they are still stuck at the bottom.

   I came very close to death today, that's the last time I'm masterbating in a cemetery!

   Children need a lot of love & understanding but men need even more.

   Lil Wayne.... Yeah.... Gonna miss ya. Too bad you can't take Bieber with you. Drugs are bad.... Mmmmkay.

   Went for a romantic walk in the woods last night. Well, I called it romantic. She called it stalking.

   My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

   When you are talking to yourself, if you are polite about it, people won't think you're crazy.

   If you’re depressed and hate your life just remember you’re not alone. We all hate your life too.

   What I lack in sleep, I make up for in blank stares.

   Not to alarm anyone but I just saw a flying pig. It was in a helicopter but I couldn't figure out which one of the Kardashians was it.

   Cheating is always worse when a woman does it because she has experience turning down sex. When she cheats, it is premeditated cheating; when a guy cheats, it is just cheating.

   There's gratification and then there's "I love not responding to you on facebook chat" gratification.

   Alright Winter, we get your point. You're a force of nature okay? I'll quit mocking you when I'm talking to the other seasons

   Randomly digging holes. Want to know why. Come around and I'll fill you in.

   Today, may you do all the things you said you'd do - and feel damn good about it.

   My pet peeve is when people say redundant words after acronyms, like “PIN number” or “ATM mouth.”

   Of course best friend, you are allowed to have other friends as long as you love me more.

   Every medicine made in China is like PROS: you’ll stop coughing. CONS: you might die!

   Boys. Always respect a girl that's been single for over a year. Because it means she not co-dependent

   so KimYe are planning to name their baby North, I think South is more fitting though.