Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking News.... Jane Fonda and Dennis Rodman have been selected to act as Hugo Chavez's pall bearers at his funeral

   In some countries, DEATH is nature’s way of limiting presidential terms in office. You wanted to be a president for life, and now your wish is granted Mr Chavez.

   Some say Jesus was black. I don't know if that's true or not, but that would explain why it's taking him so long to come back.

   By the time I manage to actually say my safe word, only dogs can hear it.

   Anyone else think instagram will change its business model and become the cocaine delivery service we all first thought it was?

   I've told you a million times...don't exaggerate.

   Woke up this morning from a dream I was flying. Late to work kind of wished that whole flying thing was true

   .irls Stop editing ya'll pics. what if you go missing? How you expect us to find you if you look like beyonce on facebook but you look like a shrek in person.

   The worst thing about taking naps is you expect to wake up afterwards feeling well-rested but instead you wake up feeling like you died and you forget who and where you are.

   You know your life is disappointing when you wake up and your first thought is, "Crap, still here."

   Watching Hillbily Venom. A documentary on serpent handling in church in WV. Very nteresting for sure, but not on my bucket list.

   I would never wanna see my girlfriend cry, That why I got a password on my phone.

   Got a dashcam, so am all set for the next meteorite.

   my buddy asked to borrow my phone. I gave it to him and said "check out that ball scratcher app I downloaded!"

   Which Pope was your favorite going into the combine? ESPN said the Cardinal from Canada runs the 440 in 52.47 seconds and that's with full vestments and a sex abuse scandal dogging him!

   thank good ness this pope s hit came along. We were just getting sick of all the obama jokes...

   My papal name would be 'Pope Daddy I".

   CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.

   Justin Bieber's hamster died. He'd had it for two months. The only hamster to truly know the meaning of Rest In Peace

   there are so many people I would love to tell off... if only I never had to see them again