Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   knew he had a serious skittles addiction when he saw a rainbow every time he used the bathroom.

   I just want to be the reason that you constantly call your friends at three in the morning frantically crying.

   Whats a pope?

   im not lazy...my body is just an environmentalist that likes to conserve energy

   If police work is just watching stuff burn, then I mastered police work when I was 10 years old.

   I WILL ALWAYS WEAR BLACK ON VALENTINES DAY.

   No I don't think Christopher Dormer feels like Jason Bourne.......he feels more like bacon.

   BBQ at Bear Mountain

   I get a lot of, "Sir, if you're not gonna buy anything, you're gonna have to leave," as I creepily linger at Victoria's Secret for 2 hours.

   Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and "D" come together.

   Last night I tried talking to the moon pretending it was you. And just like you, it maintained a distance and didn't reply. :(

   Soon on eBay: For sale, one soiled cruise ship. Will consider any offers

   Just found out my Homeowner's Insurance policy does not have adequate roof coverage that covers Meteors. It never ends.....

   Today's Subway Special: The Triumph Carnival Cruise sandwich, This sandwich is served on 4 day-old Ammonia bread, with a scraps of room temperature tuna and onion, room temperature Mayonnaise, pieces of cucumber, and cheese.

   lways be yourself, unless you're that guy. Don't be that guy.

   A good sense of humor is the vaccine against lifes troubles.

   Dont even look up to me for help. I make a bad situation even worse.

   It's not poetry, if it's not written in blood.

   Drew Peterson will learn for 38 years that men's prison is a lot like Facebook... if someone really likes him, they'll poke him a lot.

   If marriage has taught me anything it's that there is no shortage of por n on the Internet.