Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spooning...the precursor to forking.

   So they found Richard III under a parking lot. We wil probably find Hoffa under a church.

   FYI: Donkeys just call them hats.

   "Sometimes, women are so sensitive! Very nicely, I asked the woman sitting next to me if I could smell her armpits. "NO!" she exclaimed. I said, "Well, it must be your feet then." Now she's looking for something large to hit me with ツ

   USA is home of the Free? it's expensive to live here, my taxes just doubled!!!

   Snooki is a star! Huge and full of gas.

   There is no polite way to suggest to someone that they have devoted their life to a folly.

   knew he had a serious skittles addiction when he saw a rainbow every time he used the bathroom.

   I just want to be the reason that you constantly call your friends at three in the morning frantically crying.

   Whats a pope?

   im not lazy...my body is just an environmentalist that likes to conserve energy

   If police work is just watching stuff burn, then I mastered police work when I was 10 years old.

   I WILL ALWAYS WEAR BLACK ON VALENTINES DAY.

   No I don't think Christopher Dormer feels like Jason Bourne.......he feels more like bacon.

   BBQ at Bear Mountain

   I get a lot of, "Sir, if you're not gonna buy anything, you're gonna have to leave," as I creepily linger at Victoria's Secret for 2 hours.

   Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and "D" come together.

   Last night I tried talking to the moon pretending it was you. And just like you, it maintained a distance and didn't reply. :(

   Soon on eBay: For sale, one soiled cruise ship. Will consider any offers

   Just found out my Homeowner's Insurance policy does not have adequate roof coverage that covers Meteors. It never ends.....