Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How does Justin Bieber have almost 33 million followers? It's gotta be vag pics, because she isn't even remotely funny.

   who pays for the electric bill for light at the end of the tunnel??

   I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.

   Okay "beautiful" girls...be as narcissistic as you wish, yet remember, there was someone named Marilyn Monroe. And I promise you, you do not measure up.

   Sometimes I like to go to the dealership, slip into a pair of smart cars and roller skate around the parking lot for three hours.

   I've recently purchased a hand held blow horn to use on drivers who text and drive. So far I have converted four drivers into pedestrians who now walk an text.

   It gives me collywobbles to admit this but most of what I post is purely flibbertigibbet. It's not that I think you to be a gobemouche, i'm just a pettifogger and a slangwanger. I'm not a snollygoster, I just love to bloviate. Thanks for understanding!

   Denims are my favourite hand sanitizers.

   I bet you can't say "cops" without moving your mouth!

   if the college you went to has a tv commercial, you didnt go to college

   a hangover is the wrath of grapes

   I am woman. Hear me ignore.

   Welcome to San Francisco, where the weather is nice and the people are gay!

   Let’s all join hands and remember the Golden Rule of Life: Do not feed the trolls.

   What if the real Slim Shady is paraplegic?

   PSY will be having a concert in the Philippines... WTF!! is he gonna sing Gangnam Style for 2 hours???

   pedophile: Get in the van I have candy. me: No! pedofile:I have free wifi too! me:Where would you like me to sit?

   Great, now Ray Lewis has killed more people AND won more Super Bowl rings than me. :(

   Keep it down kids....Aunt Minnie is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.

   I just walked up to a guuy with an eye patch and asked him was it really fun and games at that point