Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Department Store Bathroom Cleaner: Please use less WAX. When I go to the bathroom I am really not in the mood for doing the splits......

   I'm not really superstitious. Usually, I'm just a little stitious…

   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

   I'm the type of person who gains weight just by LOOKING at the dessert that I'm finishing

   if I was a bird... I know who'd I poop on

   You're from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can't decide which.

   I sit when I pee because God dammit there's a seat right there!

   A picture is like a thousand words so if your profile photo is bad, it's like reading the word ugly a thousand times.

   Football announcers saying "penetration" repeatedly is my 50 Shades of Grey.

   “Pain management” is breaking up with someone that hurts you.

   It's beginning to look a lot like 80s on my ATARI 7800 system

   I have to take a dump, but my iPhone battery life is at 5%

   Oh wow! Thanks for the newsletter, Hotel Chain! I'm just lonely enough to read this!

   Who remembers the 3 eyed monkey at the end of Jimmy Neutron that would say "Hi, I'm Paul!"

   Are you there God? It's me, chocolate... They keep putting me on raisins..... I KNOW,,,It's weird huh?

   Sometimes I feel like I respect spiders just because women hate them.

   I pick my nose when I drive. Get over it or I'll flick the booger at your car

   Marriages should come with three NFL-style "challenges" a year.

   Dating a single mother: It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

   Why do we say, “good morning” when we wake up? You can't really be sure until noon.