Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're really good at forgetting that I exist.

   I spend 90% of my day either eating or thinking about my next meal.

   I like girl shaped things.

   It's going to hard to get out and vote if I have to keep answering phone calls from people urging me to get out and vote.

   I'm so poor this week that if someone were to try to rob me they would laugh and give me money.

   Jokingly told this girl on our first date last night that I had a realy big D and she responded no problem i've had plenty of Big Ones before ! And now I'm sad ! :o( Fail

   I don't exercise to be healthy. I exercise to look sexy af naked!

   I need 4 more beers...

   Give Mitt Romney some time. He's having a hard time admitting that there's something that he can't buy.

   Totally forgot about the Hemorrhoid Commercial...

   People who always say "love is blind" need to be reminded that Stevie Wonder is divorcing his wife.

   If Evolution were REALLY a real thing,,,,, A LONG time ago, Men would have developed a defence to the ole "kick in the nuts"

   A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

   "Doctor" is the most distinguished title that sounds like "dog turd."...just an observation, that's all @(ᵕ.ᵕ)@

   I don't need a man. But I want one. That means those of you with no jobs, no cars and no money still stand a chance.

   Sign over a gynecologist's office - "Dr. Levy, at your cervix."

   the wrong brother got fired...

   Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Girlfriend: It's sufficient for me but how will you survive?

   I wish I could go back in time and meet the teenage versions of my parents.

   I think I deserve a bunch of "likes" just for deleting all the crap I had in my drafts folder...