Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need 4 more beers...

   Give Mitt Romney some time. He's having a hard time admitting that there's something that he can't buy.

   Totally forgot about the Hemorrhoid Commercial...

   People who always say "love is blind" need to be reminded that Stevie Wonder is divorcing his wife.

   If Evolution were REALLY a real thing,,,,, A LONG time ago, Men would have developed a defence to the ole "kick in the nuts"

   A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

   "Doctor" is the most distinguished title that sounds like "dog turd."...just an observation, that's all @(ᵕ.ᵕ)@

   I don't need a man. But I want one. That means those of you with no jobs, no cars and no money still stand a chance.

   Sign over a gynecologist's office - "Dr. Levy, at your cervix."

   the wrong brother got fired...

   Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Girlfriend: It's sufficient for me but how will you survive?

   I wish I could go back in time and meet the teenage versions of my parents.

   I think I deserve a bunch of "likes" just for deleting all the crap I had in my drafts folder...

   Too good to work fast food when you were young? Have you noticed that you are a loser now?

   Watching this growing TOP CIA scandal is proof that women secretly runs the world!!!

   I bet that the McAfee AntiVirus 2013 will include anti-virus, anti-spam, and anti-murder your neighbor options!

   Most women I know that wear the pants in a relationship, rarely wear pants.

   Throught I had sexiest man alive in the bag, but Tatum won the electoral vote and I only won the popular vote.

   It must suck to have just one arm.... Until you get arrested.

   Every time traffic policemen stops me they ask if I have drunk anything. But no one ever asked me if I had eaten anything.