Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The police showed up and used technical terms like "Stalker" and "PPO" when I thought I was leaving a "Love Note"

   Doing the "I'm thinking really hard face" when the BIG corporate boss looks at you during a meeting.

   Why is such a fuss made over this tax-free back to school shopping? If they called it "6% off", would you be flocking to the mall?

   And don't thank your teachers for your grammar skills, either.

   I like to ask the drive-up window guy "Did the car ahead of me pay for mine?" cuz random acts of kindness.

   Forgotten money found in jean pockets = the best.

   i woke up on the right side of the dirt this morning and for that I am thankful. now as I dont watch the morning news I will stay happy. Happy Monday to all my frienemys

   Girls dont dress for boys, they dress for themselves. If girls dressed for boys, they’d just walk around naked all the time.

   How disappointing! I've been hearing all month about 'Shart' week coming up on the discovery channel and it turns out it's nothing but a movie about a bunch of stupid fish ツ

   Dear Packer Fans; You are allowed to wash your lucky underwear........ Thank you.

   I'm not even sure how many problems I have...because math is one of them..

   Sorry babe, I just can't justify you going to expensive beauty salons after I just found this guy on Craigslist offering women free facials.

   Although I can't control time, I will always manipulate it.

   Penny for your thoughts...five bucks if they're dirty..

   The heavier the girl, the more pics of really buff guys go up on her timeline.

   Ladies; The only way I am taking you on a $500 date is if you bring $475 along with you.

   "Yes, officer, I know I was speeding, but in my defense, I ALWAYS held down the B button while playing Super Mario Brothers". 

   Okay whoever has a voodoo doll of me and making me write this sentimental and inspirational sh*t, stop it now!

   I'll start spending more time with my Nana when she gets her prescriptions filled.

   Counting to ten when you are angry works so much better when you are counting punches to someone's face.