Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls: Save your games for family fun nights…..NOT Relationships!!

   They'll get it later, I tell myself after posets go unliked.... They'll all laugh later.

   I'd say pick on someone your own size, but I know it is difficult to find someone with a 3 inch d*ck.

   "that new iPhone $750? it better play dead if my girl touch it

   I'm in a serious relationship with my wifi. You could say we have a…nice connection.

   I have this strange feeling that my nemesis is gonna show up to my funeral and play nothing but Nickelback. well played sir .#afinalfckyou

   I'm sure you realize I know you believe you understand what I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I am trying to say....

   The police showed up and used technical terms like "Stalker" and "PPO" when I thought I was leaving a "Love Note"

   Doing the "I'm thinking really hard face" when the BIG corporate boss looks at you during a meeting.

   Why is such a fuss made over this tax-free back to school shopping? If they called it "6% off", would you be flocking to the mall?

   And don't thank your teachers for your grammar skills, either.

   I like to ask the drive-up window guy "Did the car ahead of me pay for mine?" cuz random acts of kindness.

   Forgotten money found in jean pockets = the best.

   i woke up on the right side of the dirt this morning and for that I am thankful. now as I dont watch the morning news I will stay happy. Happy Monday to all my frienemys

   Girls dont dress for boys, they dress for themselves. If girls dressed for boys, they’d just walk around naked all the time.

   How disappointing! I've been hearing all month about 'Shart' week coming up on the discovery channel and it turns out it's nothing but a movie about a bunch of stupid fish ツ

   Dear Packer Fans; You are allowed to wash your lucky underwear........ Thank you.

   I'm not even sure how many problems I have...because math is one of them..

   Sorry babe, I just can't justify you going to expensive beauty salons after I just found this guy on Craigslist offering women free facials.

   Although I can't control time, I will always manipulate it.