Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it doesn't matter if you don't like my personality... I have several more!

   I'm a better person than I was yesterday, but still not as good as I can be tomorrow

   Sometimes I notice the way my wife is looking at me and think, "if I could read her mind I'd probably be too terrified to live with her."

   Only a few things Reeses cups will not fix!

   Seriously Rolling Stone magazine? Was George Zimmerman unavailable for the cover?

   A Women's work is never done because she's too busy telling a Man how to do his work.

   shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.

   Yes, I'm a tool. A drill. Just ask my wife's friends.

   Wonders why there are so many people with cranial rectal inversion ?

   George Zimmerman should change his name to Ben Ghazi, then the White house and media will never mention him again

   "Jesus loves you" is a nice thing to hear in a church, but a terrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

   He died doing what he loved; failing to deploy a parachute.

   This is a historic day today - one we will all remember. A woman on a bed with the whole of Britain watching and waiting. RIP internet porn....

   Lets all hope they name the Royal Baby NORTH

   I've got hoes in different area codes. (Yes I'm very careless with my gardening tools.)

   In honor of his favorite pastitme Candy Crush. Prince William has announced the baby's name: Reese Crunch

   there should be a breathalyzer app on my phone to prevent thos late night texts that I always regret sending.

   Hey Biatch (┌'-')┌︻╦̵̵͇̿̿̿̿╤── \(‾- ‾\) Send Me One More Candy Crush Invite!! I dare you!

   COMEBACK: Just a few more weeks without sex and I win another pair of crocs.

   Unstable in the streets, batsh*t crazy in the sheets.