Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yes, I'm a tool. A drill. Just ask my wife's friends.

   Wonders why there are so many people with cranial rectal inversion ?

   George Zimmerman should change his name to Ben Ghazi, then the White house and media will never mention him again

   "Jesus loves you" is a nice thing to hear in a church, but a terrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

   He died doing what he loved; failing to deploy a parachute.

   This is a historic day today - one we will all remember. A woman on a bed with the whole of Britain watching and waiting. RIP internet porn....

   Lets all hope they name the Royal Baby NORTH

   I've got hoes in different area codes. (Yes I'm very careless with my gardening tools.)

   In honor of his favorite pastitme Candy Crush. Prince William has announced the baby's name: Reese Crunch

   there should be a breathalyzer app on my phone to prevent thos late night texts that I always regret sending.

   Hey Biatch (┌'-')┌︻╦̵̵͇̿̿̿̿╤── \(‾- ‾\) Send Me One More Candy Crush Invite!! I dare you!

   COMEBACK: Just a few more weeks without sex and I win another pair of crocs.

   Unstable in the streets, batsh*t crazy in the sheets.

   Girls: Save your games for family fun nights…..NOT Relationships!!

   They'll get it later, I tell myself after posets go unliked.... They'll all laugh later.

   I'd say pick on someone your own size, but I know it is difficult to find someone with a 3 inch d*ck.

   "that new iPhone $750? it better play dead if my girl touch it

   I'm in a serious relationship with my wifi. You could say we have a…nice connection.

   I have this strange feeling that my nemesis is gonna show up to my funeral and play nothing but Nickelback. well played sir .#afinalfckyou

   I'm sure you realize I know you believe you understand what I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I am trying to say....