Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Aquariums are a place where fish get to watch you for free but it comes at the price of never leaving

   Guys, I don't mean to sound negative or anything, but according to my research, everything sucks.

   I'm not celebrating independence day because I still live with my parents.

   I was going to paint my dogs’ nails but I’m sure the other b*tches would make fun of her.

   If you love someone set them free; if she comes back it means she doesn't have confidence and turn her off again.

   Tim Tebow is under investigation by the IRS. It seems he recently joined an organization called The Patriots.

   I like cooking babies and lots of other stuff. I also hate punctuation.

   I've got this racing snail, but he's so slow. I took his shell off, to see if it would speed him up a bit, but it just made him more sluggish.

   Finding your purpose in life is kind of like finding the G-Spot. Nobody needs to tell you, you'll know when you find it.

   Try to be the person your dog thinks you are.

   The rabbit trying to get breakfast from our garden is now under an artillery barrage from the left over bottle rockets from the Forth of July

   Egypt is one of those rare countries whose "good old days" were in 2,000 B.C.

   My mom always told me alcohol was the enemy, the bible says Love your enemy. Case Closed

   "No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last week! It's my turn." said no one ever.

   Guys, don't take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

   Walking through my house at night makes me wonder how I survived without a flashlight before I had a cell phone.

   My goal at work today is "I'M HERE AIN'T I?!" Achieved. Now what.

   Date someone with poor taste in music. So that when she breaks your heart you don’t have to give up your music because it reminds you of her

   Weed is legal in 2 states. Having s3x with a horse is legal in 23. Good job, America.

   I joke on Paula Deen being racisst but if she start a plantation with free food I'd be right there like Samuel L Jackson in Django.