Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My father is at that age where he will have a full on conversation with a telemarketer.

   At the DMV. When they called my number, felt like I was on the Price Is Right TV show. XD

   Monogomy: See Bigamy

   t's not that I mind the neighbors cadaver dog....it's just that when it's digging in my backyard, it can get a little awkward.

   I wonder. Is it considered non-kosher to watch a Kevin Bacon movie?

   It must take an awful lot of self-control to work in a bubble-wrap factory.

   Yeah I used to be a people person but then people went & F#%ked that all up :l

   ♫ Old Macdonald abused his sheep, R.S.P.C.A ♫

   My old Chemistry teacher once told me to write a thousand word Essay on LSD......I never finished as after 5 minutes my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

   I brought a t-shirt cannon to a knife fight. Everyone dropped their knives to catch their own piece of lynyrd skynyrd history.

   Maybe if the crowed showed a bit of appreciation and stopped t-rollin contributors maybe there would be more funny material for you to copy and paste to your FB.

   There are only two types of women in this world: 1) Those who love sex just as much as men do. 2) Liars.

   Bringing the grandkids to Seaworld next week,, to swim with the sharks... It's Dolphins?.. Whatever...

   "looking for someone who will touch me like my uncle did" , is enough to get you suspended from a dating site... Apparently.

   I learned about life from 'Adventures In Babysitting.' The city is full of freaks and as long as your hair is fabulous you will not die

   Hello, Room service? Yes, in order to make my fort structurally sound I'm gonna need 9 more pillows brought to room 355 Bring ice cream too

   I accidently clicked on a picture of Miley Cyrus twerking......and now I think I have an STD

   when the movie "cloudy with a chance of meatballs"premiered in China did they call it "raining cats and dogs"?

   Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?

   Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj jump off the Empire State Building. Who hits first?......Who cares?