Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ♫ Old Macdonald abused his sheep, R.S.P.C.A ♫

   My old Chemistry teacher once told me to write a thousand word Essay on LSD......I never finished as after 5 minutes my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

   I brought a t-shirt cannon to a knife fight. Everyone dropped their knives to catch their own piece of lynyrd skynyrd history.

   Maybe if the crowed showed a bit of appreciation and stopped t-rollin contributors maybe there would be more funny material for you to copy and paste to your FB.

   There are only two types of women in this world: 1) Those who love sex just as much as men do. 2) Liars.

   Bringing the grandkids to Seaworld next week,, to swim with the sharks... It's Dolphins?.. Whatever...

   "looking for someone who will touch me like my uncle did" , is enough to get you suspended from a dating site... Apparently.

   I learned about life from 'Adventures In Babysitting.' The city is full of freaks and as long as your hair is fabulous you will not die

   Hello, Room service? Yes, in order to make my fort structurally sound I'm gonna need 9 more pillows brought to room 355 Bring ice cream too

   I accidently clicked on a picture of Miley Cyrus twerking......and now I think I have an STD

   when the movie "cloudy with a chance of meatballs"premiered in China did they call it "raining cats and dogs"?

   Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?

   Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj jump off the Empire State Building. Who hits first?......Who cares?

   I'm sorry for ruining your life & turned you off to men forever, but please accept this cat as a parting gift. - Me after every first date

   Why do married people hate seeing happy single people? Please stop trying to fix me up with your friends.

   Oh Nothing. Just over here choking on dinner, fighting death like it's my job.

   I'm just doing my thing, which is kinda like your thing, but better.

   If someone toilet papered my house tonight tht would be great because we're out of toilet paper

   It seems all the girls in my school decided to go as a 21 yr old with low self esteem and daddy issues. Must have been weird for them to all have the same costume on

   Yes, tell me about the time you were cool. I love fiction.