Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman spits out 30,000 words a night, gets mad that you don't remember words 21,191 - 21,198.

   both of yall are idiots because southwest doesn't even know where they fly to

   Am I the only one that cringes when a catheter commercial comes on?

   Atlanta is being held up by Winterstorm De'Andre LaQuocious Roosevelt III.

   Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA in some women. Unfortunately, 95% of them spit it out.

   because of the Polar Vortex.... I've been in a purely textual relationship

   Why Whiskey? Because sometimes happiness needs and opening act.

   The best part of this superbowl tonight was Facebook and Instagram!

   Thank You Seattle Seahawks From New England Patriots Fans Every where. . .

   Peyton, who just so happens to own several Papa Johns Pizza's, has a New Super Bowl Special... One extra lare pizza, loaded on one side and nothing on the other!

   Soccer: Kickball for grownups who need a game that's totally random and no need for strategies. Kinda like shi**y hockey.

   America does not actually think it is as popular as the world thinks it is. We simply laugh at ourselves more than everyone thinks we do.

   I am woman, hear me Blah, Blah, Blah.

   When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.

   How the heck are eggs full of cholesterol but chickens aren't?

   I made a knock off Mcy D's Chicken ranch snack wrap. I threw it together in a hurry, used the nastiest lettce I could find, threw 1/2 of my chickn tender away, & then I closed my eyes & pickd a random condiment out of the fridge. Just like the real thing.

   Saw a girl driving while talking on her cell phone. Made me so mad I almost threw my beer at her

   Wife: Why do you always have your eyes closed when we have sex? Husband: So I don’t lose my erection?

   Went to the club. They played The Twist. I twisted. They played Jump. I jumped. They played Come On Eileen. I got arrested.

   Very disappointed that Nikolai Volkov wasn't selected to light the Olympic flame