Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a woman's shorts are big enough to spell "Bootylicious" across the back, then chances are she is not.

   Wish my Google phone had "I'm Feeling Lucky" button when I want to be the 10th caller.

   Micheal Sam is good enough at publicly wanting privacy he could be a Kardashian!

   My life coach threw a chair at me.

   Brush your teeth before you complain.

   Me: Siri, explain women. Siri: sorryyy I'm hdgjbj malfunctioning jdji?!!%&%$###?! *EXPLODES*

   I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.

   Why doesn't anybody like me? Asking for a friend.

   Hey guys who write updates about how all girls are beautiful and should be respected, did you figure it out on your own or did your boyfriend tell you??

   The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.

   "Just be yourself" doesn't work if you suck.

   *introduces girlfriend to dad* “what are your intentions with my son? I hope you don’t want to turn his shirts into pyjamas then leave him”

   “I don't judge you because your opinion differs from mine. I judge you because your opinion is imbecilic.” Yours or mine?!

   You'll never realise how nice some people are until they need something.

   Eats entire contents of kitchen while waiting for pizza delivery

   First to stand, Last to fall. Face the danger, Kill 'em All

   Its Memorial Day Weekend and we have the media shoving Kanye & Kim’s wedding down out throats? I doubt this is what our fallen solders of WWII fought so bravely to defeat the Nazi’s. On behalf of them I am sorry.

   When someone calls you to tell you they’re coming over to your house and you lie you’re not home because you don’t want to wear pants.

   If Eric Shenseki is no longer a government employee, does this mean he has to sign up for ObamaCare?

   Relationship Status: eating raw cookie dough.