Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At Starbucks I order under the name Dad. Then leave.

   What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They both can smell it, but can't taste it.

   I love when people make a photo of their kid as their Facebook profile pic so it's like a baby is screaming about gun rights.

   I just saved a bunch of fu<ks by not giving any.

   Before thinking about changing the world for your favour, think about your teeth first. IF you change your mind, you might change the world.

   Next week Google will give the public the chance to buy its $1,500 Google Glass. Finally ending the stereotype that people who wear glasses are smart.

   This post is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.

   I grilled today for the first time this year. The first charcoals in the grill were formerly the eyes and also the carrot nose of our stolen snowman.

   Sorry I didn't hear a word you said. I was pretending your nose was the MUTE button

   Cmon kid, do or say something funny already. Daddy needs a new Facebook Status Update.

   Over thinking. Ruining great ideas since women began.

   Death and taxes .... trying to figure out which one is worse.

   I live for this sh*t - People that don't understand biology

   If cats could deliver pizza, I would be pretty much done with all human interaction.

   Corporate says we are having a half day at work today for 'April Day'. It's 2014, we can't even say Good Friday anymore? Society.

   People who don't return the favour during oral sex are the real terrorists.

   It's amazing how the brain works. I heard a song that I haven't heard in about ten years and I remembered it word for word. Yet when it came to my exams I barely even remembered how to hold my pen.

   I taught myself how to ride a bike... I hope you had better parents.

   Your "I Love My Wife" bumper sticker simply means you'd lose a fistfight against a loaf of bread.

   “B*tch don't kill my vibe” – me talking to my phone battery.