Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever like someone so much that you just want to chew on their hiney?

   It's kinda embarrassing that Nostradamus predicted we’d only have 5 Doritos flavors by 2014.. When we actually have like 15

   My life's not always.. 'Fun and games' Sometimes it's too much whiskey annnd... Oops.. Wrong hole!

   Listen, if I wanted to compromise I'd just tell you how it's gonna be.

   Paper-cuts are like kisses from Satan

   Pro tip - I'm not convinced any of you are qualified to give pro tips.

   Every stamp is a food stamp if you eat stamps.

   why would you argue with a feminist? what would be wrong with you? they hate you because you have a pen*s. not some douchey thing you did.

   Being married means you never hav--- WOULD YOU QUIT CHEWING SO GODDAMN LOUD?

   It's hard to be your prince charming when you'd rather just fool around with all 12 of the dwarves.

   I'll think I'll bring my taser to work today to liven things up a bit.

   it's time to diet now. Even the shoelaces are getting to small.

   Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your cell phone without asking first.

   Got a new video card to play Minecraft still doesn't look any different...

   "As a matter of fact, pepsi IS okay"... *whole restaurant gasps... *rookie busboy vomits

   If you have a mustache always keep it neat, I don't want to see anything hanging over your lips

   Popeye teaches you that spinach makes you stonger while completely skipping over the part about pooing your pants at work.

   Ladies, a piece of advice. If your boyfriend or husband gives you a facial/spa treatment as a gift, be a little more specific. After all, it might not be a good idea to post how happy you are that he gave you "a facial".

   My wife was all “Let’s try role playing” but now she’s all “Listen here, ‘Farmer Brown,’ I am not putting on a sheep costume.” SMH

   Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people..