Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girl an I play this game called "hide the alcohol from the alcoholic".. right now she's losing

   In Oregon a Labradoodle was unharmed after falling off a 200 ft cliff. Some suspect that he actually jumped because of the name "Labradoodle".

   When I got the decorations out of the attic yesterday REAL spiders started coming out of the containers.... Well played Halloween, well played.

   I do what the voices in my pants tell me to do

   Cowards - kissassers - are not on the side of truth; they're on the side of money.

   Biden's son booted off navy for positive cocaine test. Now he will run for office and win and deztroy sovereignty of nationz

   I hate when people ask questions during movies like do you not understand that a movie purposely doesn’t tell you things in order to build suspense

   It's unhealthy the amount of pressure society put on adults having to behave.

   Do you know how I recognize a peasant?! They stare deeply into someone's eyes without knowing that they're not comfortable.

   Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That's what going back to an ex is like.

   Here's an idea for a costume. And your friends will never expect it. Try looking and behaving like a responsible person.

   If your parents never once forgot to pick you up from school then our friendship is probably never gonna go past acquaintance level

   Pro Tip: You can't fix stupid with duct tape, but at least you can keep it quiet for a while.

   Look on the bright side Redskin fans...Anything is possible and maybe the Rams will trade three 1st round picks back for RGIII. ;)

   These days HD is so good, when you watch an NFL game you can see the murder evidence.

   Men that wear jean jacket's are making a statement... They're stating that they've lost hope of getting laid any time soon

   So today I said to a co-worker "Happy Presidents Day!" She replied did you wear anything Presidential today Gary ? Then this came out of my mouth ..." Yep ...my underwear... There's a star in the front and a stripe in the back !"

   Girls spend 20 minutes eating dinner and 40 figuring out who owes what.

   My kid's new teacher asked me to describe his personality so I just videotaped me crying and taking shots of Vodka.

   I just want a man who will hold my hair back while I start fires.