Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's unhealthy the amount of pressure society put on adults having to behave.

   Do you know how I recognize a peasant?! They stare deeply into someone's eyes without knowing that they're not comfortable.

   Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That's what going back to an ex is like.

   Here's an idea for a costume. And your friends will never expect it. Try looking and behaving like a responsible person.

   If your parents never once forgot to pick you up from school then our friendship is probably never gonna go past acquaintance level

   Pro Tip: You can't fix stupid with duct tape, but at least you can keep it quiet for a while.

   Look on the bright side Redskin fans...Anything is possible and maybe the Rams will trade three 1st round picks back for RGIII. ;)

   These days HD is so good, when you watch an NFL game you can see the murder evidence.

   Men that wear jean jacket's are making a statement... They're stating that they've lost hope of getting laid any time soon

   So today I said to a co-worker "Happy Presidents Day!" She replied did you wear anything Presidential today Gary ? Then this came out of my mouth ..." Yep ...my underwear... There's a star in the front and a stripe in the back !"

   Girls spend 20 minutes eating dinner and 40 figuring out who owes what.

   My kid's new teacher asked me to describe his personality so I just videotaped me crying and taking shots of Vodka.

   I just want a man who will hold my hair back while I start fires.

   I'm the only person in the world that gets the flu and gains 10 lbs...

   One of the rare feelings of happiness in this world is not to feel your stalker's existence.

   Wifey just text to say she's landed and is looking forward to a romantic dinner and some lovin' tonight. Wonder where she's going?

   Just saw the trailer for "Noah." I hear The Book is better.

   I've completely replaced sex with food. I had a mirror installed over my dining room table.

   I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.

   There was a fire at the clock factory today. Several people died from second hand smoke.