Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   National Doughnut Day - My Holey Day

   On "Family Feud".... Host: Name something that you can never seem to find the right time to say.... Dad: "You're adopted, Chet!".... *The WHOLE Family claps,, except Chet*

   I wrote "except zombies" on my welcome mat so I know I'll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

   When I was your age, I had to walk 5 feet from the coutch to the TV, on fluffy orange carpet, without texting, both ways.

   To save money, instead of going out to clubs, I just get drunk at home and yell "What?!?!?!" into a mirror over and over.

   I injured my hip which is why I have thrust issues.

   Cheer up LeBron. You did win the MVP after all. Most Visible Privates

   When I die people are going to be like "wait... I thought he already died like a decade ago?"

   Can someone get the Supreme Court to send Mizzou back to the Big 12

   If religions teach peace, how come they cannot achieve peace?

   When a mosquito bites you and it dies of alcohol poisoning you're doing something right

   Me and her are having a poking battle on Facebook, so you can say things are getting pretty serious.

   Happy birthday America, so what are we offended by today?

   No Woman will take over my life again,,,,,whats that, be right there honey.!

   Apparently Jared was also fond of the occasional 2 inch sub.

   What is an Ariana Grande? A drink from Starbucks?

   HER: ''You never listen to me!'' HIM: ''Of course they will!''

   The grass is green where you water it.

   My wife's cooking is so bad she set off the neighbors smoke alarm!

   I'm collecting Canadian followers, in case I have to cross the border unexpectedly,,