Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My toilet swallows so many loads that I purchased a wig to go over the tank.

   Caught myself singing to Lady Gaga - Born this Way, while shaving my legs. Lmfao

   When I was growing up, it was just called "the changing of the seasons"

   wondering if a butterflies wish they could get a tattoo of a woman on their shoulder.

   this "by name" person needs a burning stick OR a red hot poker shoved up their izass

   I think I discovered time travel...I put instant coffee in the microwave.

   I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part of.

   When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs.

   for every pinch, you get a kick in the lucky charms! Feeling lucky?!

   The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

   Why are there laws against texting while driving and drinking while driving... but not texting while drinking?

   The Dentist is the only man certified to say to a woman, "Lay down, relax, open wide, say ahh, now spit."

   today has been so boring and uneventful, there must be a twist ending in the works. Like one of my co-workers will be revealed as a cyborg, or someone will get eaten by a bear.

   I love spring but I'm not too keen on the pollen that comes along with it. Sneeze, sniff, sneeze, ...... I buy enough sudafed where the feds have me on their Meth lab watch list...... :D You think they would park their van a little bit farther down ...

   There's a fine line between OBLIVION and PLAIN STUPIDITY.

   some people have a way with words other people have not way.

   A womans legs are her best friends but sometimes even the best of friends must part.

   Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" who get's the other penny......taxes

   believe it or not, there's people out there that actually liked "Grease 2"

   When my kids become wild and unruly I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.