Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are you a robot? So why do you keep doing what people tell you and expect you to do?

   BREAKING: Florida Highway Patrol is reporting a mass exodus of toddlers hitchhiking to get the hell out of Florida.

   When waiting for the repairman in the 8:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m. window that the moment you step outside or run the vacuum cleaner that they call?

   Facebook = Star Wars, Twitter = Empire Strikes Back, Google+ = Return of the Jedi. MySpace = Stupid prequels.

   Tech has ruined my ability to spell! Now when I'm typing a multi-syllable word & that red squiggly line DOESNT appear, I start questioning the intellect of my computer. Saying I just assume the spelling of that word is wrong, so wheres the red oh wise one

   When some of these big girls wear them high heels, they should also put a warning sign thats says; "CAUTION: ABNORMAL LOAD"

   Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one

   men, take care of your wives. Cause if you dont there are plenty of guys that will.

   OK-all those that believe in psyco kinesis raise my hand

   Who ever decided that a 1" mars bar should be called fun size must be stupid .. seriously .. when is anything that is only 1" long fun. I mean come on, you need at least half a dozen to fulfil your needs

   That rather uncomfortable moment when you see a really really really ugly person and you thank god that the person can't read minds.

   I just thought of an airtight alibi, now I just have to come up with a worthy crime...

   You can't win. I'm better at this than you are.

   My phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass! I guess this thing really is a smartphone.

   Whenever someone posts something like, “Just went on a massive friend-deleting spree!,” I'm never quite sure whether to feel like a winner for making the cut or a loser for having friends lame e

   I am all for small talk but that does not mean you can initiate a chat with me and bore me to death.

   Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense, and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

   I don't mean to sound sleezy but tease me I don't want it if it's that easy.

   Every flaw in my character is quietly salvaged as evidence of my genius.

   Hey, Red Bull, you know what else gives us wings? Kotex. There seems to be a slam dunk marketing opportunity here that someone is missing.