Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hi, I'm a chick. I like long walks around football stadiums, am interested in sexist jokes about my own gender, and I'm strongly talented in the art of shutting up. Unfortunately, I'm the only one...

   sippin coffee on the porch swing trying to wake up when I catch sight of a wiener dog chasing a pinto car down the road ...today is going to be EPIC!!!

   left a few lines of baby powder on my co-worker's desk. came back and there was a dollar bill rolled up.

   Now Charlie Sheen says he used steroids while filming "Major Leagues". So what now, do we take championship away from Cleveland? Do we put an asterisk next to the movie title? Should we remove all DVD's from the shelves and burn them?? Damn you Sheen!!

   All dogs go to heaven. All cats go to purr-gatory.

   some girls look better witout glasses, thats why I never bring mine to the club

   Walmart, because going to Target requires a shower

   Are you a robot? So why do you keep doing what people tell you and expect you to do?

   BREAKING: Florida Highway Patrol is reporting a mass exodus of toddlers hitchhiking to get the hell out of Florida.

   When waiting for the repairman in the 8:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m. window that the moment you step outside or run the vacuum cleaner that they call?

   Facebook = Star Wars, Twitter = Empire Strikes Back, Google+ = Return of the Jedi. MySpace = Stupid prequels.

   Tech has ruined my ability to spell! Now when I'm typing a multi-syllable word & that red squiggly line DOESNT appear, I start questioning the intellect of my computer. Saying I just assume the spelling of that word is wrong, so wheres the red oh wise one

   When some of these big girls wear them high heels, they should also put a warning sign thats says; "CAUTION: ABNORMAL LOAD"

   Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one

   men, take care of your wives. Cause if you dont there are plenty of guys that will.

   OK-all those that believe in psyco kinesis raise my hand

   Who ever decided that a 1" mars bar should be called fun size must be stupid .. seriously .. when is anything that is only 1" long fun. I mean come on, you need at least half a dozen to fulfil your needs

   That rather uncomfortable moment when you see a really really really ugly person and you thank god that the person can't read minds.

   I just thought of an airtight alibi, now I just have to come up with a worthy crime...

   You can't win. I'm better at this than you are.