Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Turns out cloud 10 is actually the accumulated farts of everyone on cloud 9.

   Mr. Officer, I am not drunk. You are just witnessing sobriety that hasn't returned yet.

   so if you bug me for my number and I tell you my credit score...will you go away??

   Ah Man! Nothing worse than seeing two flies fornicating on your fresh off the grill, 12 dollar ribeye steak.....Appetite gone.

   you cant enjoy a fight without a foam finger.. .

   feeding the cat extenze..

   Wonder's how far you could kick a midget?

   the accident that is causing you to be stuck in traffic this morning? It's Brooks Conrad's fault...

   Im done being mad at everybody. From now on I'm going to start buying my enemies gifts.. the brown gifts wrap with tape and left on their porch

   After the Vikings dreadful performance and fall to 1-3, the Chilean Miners have decided to stay underground.

   Drinking is the answer, I don't remember the question

   Saw a picture of me at the costume store. Unfortunately its called the lonely, horny and drunk costume

   There are three things that are scary to watch the morning after partyn hard! : own face, purse and list of outgoing calls :)

   maybe or maybe not feeling ambivalent today

   I guess yankee fans wont update there statuss!!

   Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it craps on your head.

   even if your sporting a tic tac for a dck....you can still freshen their breath!

   Words to live by: If your outflow is greater than your income, then your up-keeps guna be your downfall

   I've got bieber fever!!!! Whenever I hear his name or music I get a fever, headache, nausea

   Power to the people who have freedom in their focus..