Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I celebrate the Equinox every year by dressing up in a sparkly jump suit....I call it the sequinox!!!!

   The only thing that keeps me from losing my mind is........ Hold up... I'll get back to you on that...

   I wonder if my mailman even recognized me with my clothes on.

   an expert on woman and knows all there is to know about them because he got the best one to marry him :)

   what does a shingle and a fat chick have in common? They both get nailed by mexicans..

   My Idea for a church bulletin. "Stop, drop, and roll won't work in hell ."

   I'm hearing that the founder of Friendster is donating like $75 to the University of Phoenix.

   finds it helpful to organize chores into categories: Things I won't Do Now, Things I Won't Do Later, and Things I'll Never Do.

   KARMA: Smackdown of the Gods!

   Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

   If your in my circle, Congratulations your a HAPPY person.

   I'm not a drunk. I just play one under the TV.

   No! You cant have my Heart,the Doctor said i'll be dead without it.

   Rule #1 of the Internet: Nothing you put online, even for a second, can ever be taken down.

   Life lesson # 243- Never try to cut the hair of a 16 month old child without anesthesia.

   If you only have one photo on you're Facebook you are either a spammer, or a loser, either way don't request me as a friend.

   I just heard that Randy Moss is writing his life story. He's only written two chapters and already he's finished an entire box of crayons. :)

   I always have the urge to ride one of those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

   i can spell, it's the grammer that I has a problem with

   A back-up plan means your first plan sucks.