Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   feeding the cat extenze..

   Wonder's how far you could kick a midget?

   the accident that is causing you to be stuck in traffic this morning? It's Brooks Conrad's fault...

   Im done being mad at everybody. From now on I'm going to start buying my enemies gifts.. the brown gifts wrap with tape and left on their porch

   After the Vikings dreadful performance and fall to 1-3, the Chilean Miners have decided to stay underground.

   Drinking is the answer, I don't remember the question

   Saw a picture of me at the costume store. Unfortunately its called the lonely, horny and drunk costume

   There are three things that are scary to watch the morning after partyn hard! : own face, purse and list of outgoing calls :)

   maybe or maybe not feeling ambivalent today

   I guess yankee fans wont update there statuss!!

   Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it craps on your head.

   even if your sporting a tic tac for a dck....you can still freshen their breath!

   Words to live by: If your outflow is greater than your income, then your up-keeps guna be your downfall

   I've got bieber fever!!!! Whenever I hear his name or music I get a fever, headache, nausea

   Power to the people who have freedom in their focus..

   Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

   Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear...

   Ever wonder if you ordered something online, forget what you ordered and get mad because it still hasn't came yet?

   Only 259 more shopping days till Christmas

   Cremaster muscle- the muscle that raised the testes when cold. Sumo wrestlers can voluntarily move this muscle to protect themselves.