Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they will all think your on drugs!!

   lets play...." I hope thats chocolate"..

   i think when "the old fashioned" was invented, it was probably called "the new fangled"

   the taser is a perfect law enforcement tool. the lovechild of the nightstick, the pistol, and the car battery

   Suggested cough medicine flavor: gazpacho.

   I'll never have one of those cathartic cries. I'll just let it out in bits during sports montages.

   my armor has been a little tarnished but trust me I'm still a shinning prince.

   OMG! Finding it so hard to study today, all the info just looks like a bunch of letters... Verbal, participle, infinitive, appositive, gerund.... begin, like, love,try, start stop,continue... my brain is over loaded...

   Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

   ... Knife-wielding intruder tries 2 break into Paris Hilton's home. So? 1 time, a forkwielding Kirstie Alley tried 2 break into my refrigerator!

   ‎"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

   He who has a 'why' to live can bear with almost any 'how'

   If you are among the cream of dairy inspectors, nothing cheesy gets pasteurize.

   can dance if he wants to. He can leave his friends behind.

   Lock up Paris Hilton in guantanamo bay. or would that be cruel and unsual punishment for the prisoners?

   I wish my book of life was written in pencil There are a few pages I would like to erase.

   I was not surprised to hear the obese woman in front of me in the Funnel Cake line say, "I only come to the fair to eat." However, I was skeptical when she added, "I like that I can eat AND walk around."

   Earl isn't a hurricane name that can be taken seriously. Earl sounds more like the redneck neighbor you find naked and passed out in your front yard.

   Sometimes finding my car keys is harder than finding a toothbrush in England, or deodorant in the Middle East.

   Stephen Hawking says there is no God. I guess that A-Hole has never eaten at the Cheesecake Factory