Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Best prank call ever: "Hello, Dominos?"... "Yes, how may I help you?"... "What's the number to call Pizza Hut?"

   silently judging you.

   2 beers $12, 3 margaritas $15, 4 jello shots $20 dollars, taking home the girl who drank all the above... priceless

   Okay atheists, if God doesn't exist, then explain women who like Star Wars

   The 2 living Popes come from the final 2 remaining countries in the World Cup. Checkmate Atheists!!

   The Pope is resigning, citing family reasons. He wants to spend more time with the kids.

   My son asked why women wear white at weddings. I said "Its always better if the dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator. "

   So it took him years to produce a fake birth certificate and he decideds to dump Osama's body in the ocean where there is no proof??? hmm

   The cops knocked on my door today & told me that my dog attacked a man on a bike. I told them to quit lying. My dog don't own a bike!

   A Socialist, a Marxist and a Communist walk into a bar. And the bartender says "Hi Barack!!!"

   CONGRATS PRESIDENT OBAMA. You are truly a milestone. First president in our history to be at war for his WHOLE TERM. Great way to earn that Nobel Peace Prize.

   So Donald Trump has been president for about a week. Now you know how the other half felt like when Obama was our president for the last eight years.....

   And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight… A Merry Trumpness to All, and to All a Trump Night!

   A unicorn is a Mexican chick with no kids.

   I've gotta come clean... that's why I jack-off with Purell

   My 80 year old grandma is just learning how to text. She thinks LOL means "Lots of love". She sent a text saying, "Your aunt Martha passed away this morning... LOL"

   thinks the incest rate across America must drop so much on nights like these ... You know, when they're all watching the Country Music Awards instead!

   wished parents would stop posting pics of their kids every day on facebook. We know how ugly your kid is with out the constant reminder.

   I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

   RELIGION - a refugee for when physics, chemistry, biology, logic and common sense become too complicated to understand.