Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen year old girls everyday?

   The Best thing about the internet: It's available to everyone. The Worst thing about the internet: It's available to everyone.

   ~• << A picture of me when I was younger.

   says looking at the NFL schedule, the NFL needs to change who plays the Thanksgiving game. It should be Patriots vs. Redskins in Washington. Then, after the game, the Patriots kill the Redskins and take their stadium away from them...

   Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do. And if you piss him off, you go to a place full of fire and burning and torture and anguish. But he loves you. He loves you, and he needs money.

   If Obama gets re-elected this year, props to the mayans.

   How many Syrian refugees will be let in before you are beheaded?

   It’s the anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. Expecting any minute that Whitehouse will mark the event by tweeting a pic of Obama on vacation in Hawaii.

   I am tired of thinking for myself, bring on the socialism.

   Some people should keep their Quran and their bibles like they keep their genitals: to themselves.

   My boyfriend told me that he was seeing someone else because he was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail.

   I cook with wine...Sometimes I even put it in the food !

   thinks people should create their own party instead of complaining about everyone in power.

   There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, Don't tell me what to do.

   A good woman will do 70 chores around the house. Cooking and 69

   Britney Spears looks so old and ugly...yikes!

   Valentines Day is so fake. If you love a girl you'll treat her special every day. Not once out of 365 days!

   If god didn't want us smoking weed, then why the f*%k did he put THC in it?

   The days when men knew how to treat women were the days when women knew their place.

   You know 2020 is laughing at you when it tells you that Stormy Daniels collected more money from Trump, in 2016, than the IRS.