Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Only in a god-fearing state like Arizona, can you get pulled over, detained, and fined if your name is Jesus

   if you're ever feeling down just remeber: you were that ONE sperm that made it.

   it's Monday and the time to procrastinate is NOW!

   ... hmm ... If you try 2 google myspace you'll get " did you mean Facebook ?"

   What do you call a bra in Russian? Stoppenzefloppin

   "Yo! FaShizzle.....Muthaf****r".......that's what one sounds like.

   Dear Santa, please let me take a look of your good girls gone bad list.

   Yesssss….neighbor guy, the whole block knows you own a Harley. So, you can stop revving your engine every 1.6 seconds. Or, better yet, while you are stopped at the stop sign. You're cool, we get it.

   President Obama is going to downplay this like he has every other attack. He can't have a war, now ISIS, they can have a war, but Barrack and Hilary, they can't.

   The recent tsunami is not divine biblical retribution or proof that the world is ending on 12/21/12. Overblown media coverage has turned this natural tragedy into a circus. What's needed now is support, solidarity and common sense

   If you still have a Romney sticker on your car, I got news that may come as a bit of a surprise to some of you. He lost.

   Why is Trump telling you to buy a line of clothing an ethics violation, but Obama forcing you to buy health insurance is totally OK?

   "If Hillary had balls, I would lick them.mmm yummy" - Anderson Cooper

   I don't have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

   Looks like facebook put itself in facebook jail

   If I sleep on my side, do the "ZZZZs" turn into "NNNNs" ?

   My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

   What's black, lies on the floor, "Will Always Love You" and has white stuff around it's nose? A border collie.

   Jeffery Dahmer's bologna really did have a first name.

   Flip a coin. Heads I get tail, tails I get head.