Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mate went to see a psychic last week who told him he would be coming into a lot of money. Last night he shagged a fat bird called Penny - how spooky is that?!

   gonna buy a real tree sometime this week, hope it doesnt end up like amy winehouse, dead...5' 6 and surrounded by needles by christmas...

   a really skilled person can flick a booger on the first try

   Xmas is derived from a mixture of Greek and English. Greeks used X as the symbol for Chi, Christo or Xristo. X is the Greek symbol for Christ. In early Christian times, X was used as the symbol for Christ himself.

   Dear end slices of bread, I hate you!

   If we hear a burglar stumbling around our house in the dark why do we yell out 'Who's There'? Do we really expect them to yell back their name?

   my driving instructor told me, NEVER brake if there's an animal in the road....You should have seen the look on the copper's face as I knocked him off his horse.

   Honk if you love God, text while driving if you want to meet him...

   I know what Cinco de Mayo is, I just don't know when it is.

   wondering why facebook bothers to give us the option of "It's Complicated" in a relationship status. Aren't all relationships complicated because girls are complicated by nature?

   Facebook Status: HOME ALONE!!! 42 Thieves, 27 Rapers, The Chupacabra and the Boogeyman likes this.

   Im gonna start my own all white rap group and call it "HWG".....Honkies With Gratitude

   never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten friends."

   College student: I just graduated and can't find a job. I'll go back to school. Bernie Sanders; The economy is terrible and there are no jobs, let's send everyone to free college!

   I have nothing against people who choose to smoke but that whole little thing you do, with cracking your car window and blowing smoke out doesn’t help. Umm….yeah….your car still stinks.

   Bowing to pressure from the NFL has announced that the Washington Redskins will change their name to the Redskins. They said the name "Washington" made them feel lowdown and slimy

   I remember simpler times, when George Michael was straight, Prince was gay, and Catholic Priests could be trusted with young boys.

   Lets celebrate our independance in America by drinking beer and shooting off fireworks made in China

   I heard Chipotle is offering a new Ravens burrito. It has everything on it but Rice

   I'm not gay but $20 is $20.