Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear old love: I used to fantasize about you dying so that I could be single again. I'm so glad I decided to leave you instead of waiting for you to die.

   I'm more frustrated than a homosexual with tonsilitis on Valentine's Day!

   The fairies say I drank too much cough syrup but I don't believe in fairies so...... Wait

   Roses are brown, violets are brown, grass is brown...who took a sh!t in my yard!?

   Blonde texts me "What does IDK, IDC and GTG mean? " I respond "I don't know, I don't care, and Got to Go." She responds "FINE, but that's really rude!"

   One spelling mistake can destroy your life, A Husband sent this to his wife:I'm having a wonderful time wish you were her

   Sorry girls L.O.V.E dosn't stand for "legs open very easy"

   I heard on the news that a man was arrested for having sex with a picnic table. I hope he was wearing a condiment.

   I wonder if Hillary has any stains on her pants suits.

   I thought of going Amish once....I didn't have the WHEEL POWER to do it

   again......Show me on the doll where gas prices touched you.

   Prostitutes are buysexual

   Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone, and I'm the a§§høle for tripping him??

   I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

   I like my girls like I like my cheese. F@t free American singles.

   Ariel is a lot less attractive once you realize she swims around in her own poop water.

   Alternative facts. What most good and honorable americans call lies. May God have mercy on our souls.

   Those were not boos. They were alternative cheers.

   With Hillary dropping in the polls, everyone needs to stop telling the truth about her as soon as possible if she is going to win

   So when is the next heterosexual parade so we can brag about how heterosexual we are? Asking for a friend....