Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching all 6 episodes of Star Wars in one sitting sure makes the dagobah fast.

   When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

   In regards to the Noah movie: Make sure you take someone with you, I heard they're only selling tickets in pairs...

   says I would like to think a die a heroic dealth. but its more likely i'll trip over the dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting!

   I just sneezed hard while taking a poop.....I think I just lost my colon

   Over 12 people shot at a Mothers Day parade in New Orleans today. Such a messed up world we live in.

   I wonder why God made cocaine taste better when mixed with stripper body glitter and why I'm not allowed to ask questions in church anymore.

   When religious people judge you for not being religious. Pretty sure your religion says your not supposed to judge other people. Talk about being hypocritical.

   Politicans should stop acting like high school girls. The first one who doesn't talk bad about the other one and just states what he will do to fix the country is the first one I would be happy to vote for

   they're 3 kinds of people in this world. Those that are good with math, an those who aren't.

   I am pleased to announce that the PR firm of Helland-Hunt, LLC will be handling the issuance of all apologies on my behalf from now on. So, if you're looking for an “I'm sorry” from me, please go to Helland Hunt for it..

   popen ain't easy- Benedict

   Happy Single Guys Day everyone....................Palm Sunday.

   Pollen count is so bad this year....the crackheads are trying to convert their meth back to sudafed

   Why do people yell "Hello?" in horror movies. What do you think the killer is going to say? "I'm making a sandwich in the kitchen. Want one?"

   all the other kids with the pumped up kicks better run like forrest

   People who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what's your plan?

   I'd be all for the Women's March protest if they added, "off a cliff" to the name of the event.

   ....yup....I definately had asparagus last night!!!

   already on the naughty list. Santa... I can explain.