Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thongs are like barbed wire fences. They protect the property, but don't block the view.

   Scrolling is more annoying and energy consuming when you are reading through meaningless and boring statuses, Damn you naagrag!!!

   "6 packs of smokes. A case of beer. 2 box's of condoms. A lotto ticket & $2.00 gas on pump 8" ... Now thats a friday night thats ready for a good time but aint going far!!

   The greatest gift I ever had Came from God, and I call him Dad! Happy Fathers Day to My Dad & All The Daddy's Out there

   im a ninja....no your not....did you see me just do that....do what?... exactly

   If you love her, then always tell her about how you truly feel about her. For example, "I like you and would love to see my d*ck in your mouth"

   You think you're superior to us? We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.

   There's a bustle in my hedgerow; what do I do?! - feeling alarmed

   whenever my nephew says i'm his girlfriend I tell him just because we're from oklahoma doesn't mean we have to play the part.

   Which part of New Orleans was the first to surrender to the Hurricane Isaac flood waters? The French Quarter.

   A Mayan in a landscaper uniform at the gas station just winked at me while I took a sip of my coffee and smiled and said enjoy it while you can.!! WTF

   Say goodbye to that nasty smoke, Vatican! From the makers of e-cigarettes comes NEW e-chimney™.

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that sh!t.

   Pro life tip:I've found the best way to avoid my life ending from a police officer is to not break the law.If I do break the law, then I comply with their authority.If I do not agree with their authority I surrender and allow due process with an attorney.

   I've found the best way to avoid being shot by a policeman is to not break the law.

   I hope everyone's fridge gets knocked out in the storm. Bama voters will be in line for new food-stamps instead of voting.

   Soooooo my Black friend just got mad at me, cause I called him a slave. Seriously, I was just yanking his chain!!

   Larry King is getting his 8th divorce; Elizabeth Taylor is possibly getting married for a 9th time; Britney Spears had a 55 hour marriage; Jesse James and Tiger Woods are screwing EVERYTHING; yet the idea of same-sex marriage is going to destroy the insti

   If ur so damn concerned about animal testing then why dont you lobby to allow voluntary human testing in the U.S. AND THEN go volunteer. People who give $ to help animals but leave children & other humans 2 suffer piss me off.

   TLC has announced that Kate +8 has been cancelled and has been replaced with a new show Casey -1.