Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I want for Christmas is a Komodo Dragon named Pookie.

   I have so many "get into heaven points" from so many people "praying for me" to "save my soul" that I can safely cause hell on earth.

   The person who loves you more.. Will fight with you daily.. Without any reason But.. Whenever you're sad he will fight with the world to end your sadness..

   You will do Great in Two and Half Men 'Ashton Kutcher', but you can never replace Charlie Sheen !!

   Help me out... I cant decide. Should I buy flowers or a sympathy card for the b*tches dying to be like me

   If your azz is as wide as an ax handle, you shouldn't be allowed to use "LMAO"

   I have learned one thing since joining Facebook... I'm not nearly as messed up as I thought I was.

   These new energy saving light bulbs are not all they're cracked up to be. It takes just as much effort to screw them in as the old light bulbs!!!!

   What a wifey understands, a ho could never comprehend.

   Thongs are like barbed wire fences. They protect the property, but don't block the view.

   Scrolling is more annoying and energy consuming when you are reading through meaningless and boring statuses, Damn you naagrag!!!

   "6 packs of smokes. A case of beer. 2 box's of condoms. A lotto ticket & $2.00 gas on pump 8" ... Now thats a friday night thats ready for a good time but aint going far!!

   The greatest gift I ever had Came from God, and I call him Dad! Happy Fathers Day to My Dad & All The Daddy's Out there

   im a ninja....no your not....did you see me just do that....do what?... exactly

   If you love her, then always tell her about how you truly feel about her. For example, "I like you and would love to see my d*ck in your mouth"

   You think you're superior to us? We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.

   There's a bustle in my hedgerow; what do I do?! - feeling alarmed

   whenever my nephew says i'm his girlfriend I tell him just because we're from oklahoma doesn't mean we have to play the part.

   Which part of New Orleans was the first to surrender to the Hurricane Isaac flood waters? The French Quarter.

   A Mayan in a landscaper uniform at the gas station just winked at me while I took a sip of my coffee and smiled and said enjoy it while you can.!! WTF