Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The one thing I hate about touch screen phones is the fact that you'll find yourself wiping them more then your ass.

   Always remember that famous rich people poop just like the rest of us.

   I hope that guy that "wants to be a billionaire" makes $999,999,999.99 and then gets hit by a bus.

   I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'................. You probably saw our posters.

   Did I just use bacon as a verb?

   Confucius says "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."

   donates £2 a month to starving Africans - and what do they do? Go out and buy a f-kin trumpet!

   When the boogeyman goes to sleep he checks his closet for Chuch Norris.

   All I want for Christmas is a Komodo Dragon named Pookie.

   I have so many "get into heaven points" from so many people "praying for me" to "save my soul" that I can safely cause hell on earth.

   pulled last night. He approached a gorgeous girl and said "Look, I know you're in a different league to me, but! I'm willing to drop one for ya"

   CHAOS, PANIC & DISORDER... MY WORK HERE IS DONE...

   at the bank speaking with the teller about Gov't bonds. No surprise the conversation turned to men. After all. both take so long to mature.

   The person who loves you more.. Will fight with you daily.. Without any reason But.. Whenever you're sad he will fight with the world to end your sadness..

   You will do Great in Two and Half Men 'Ashton Kutcher', but you can never replace Charlie Sheen !!

   Help me out... I cant decide. Should I buy flowers or a sympathy card for the b*tches dying to be like me

   If your azz is as wide as an ax handle, you shouldn't be allowed to use "LMAO"

   I have learned one thing since joining Facebook... I'm not nearly as messed up as I thought I was.

   These new energy saving light bulbs are not all they're cracked up to be. It takes just as much effort to screw them in as the old light bulbs!!!!

   What a wifey understands, a ho could never comprehend.