Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Whoever decided when breakfast is over at McDonalds..... F$CK YOU!

   I just had a cup of coffee "So Bad",, that it actually played bass guitar for Nickleback........... Horrible coffee,,,Yuck,,Ptuuey..

   The one good thing about Monday morning, It's the farthest from next Monday you're going to be.

   My son is dyslexic and terrified about getting paid a visit from Satan in a few days

   If you don't cut your hair with a Flowbee, you are probably too high maintenance for me.

   If you don't like bacon, you should be on a government watch list.

   One day The Hunger Games will become reality... AND YOU'LL REGRET NOT READING THE BOOKS...

   Go down a water slide while it isn't wet and then you'll understand why foreplay is so important

   pulled last night. He approached a gorgeous girl and said "Look, I know you're in a different league to me, but! I'm willing to drop one for ya"

   CHAOS, PANIC & DISORDER... MY WORK HERE IS DONE...

   at the bank speaking with the teller about Gov't bonds. No surprise the conversation turned to men. After all. both take so long to mature.

   Always remember that famous rich people poop just like the rest of us.

   Don't be sad, don't be blue, Frankenstein was ugly too!

   The one thing I hate about touch screen phones is the fact that you'll find yourself wiping them more then your ass.

   Did I just use bacon as a verb?

   Confucius says "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."

   donates £2 a month to starving Africans - and what do they do? Go out and buy a f-kin trumpet!

   When the boogeyman goes to sleep he checks his closet for Chuch Norris.

   I hope that guy that "wants to be a billionaire" makes $999,999,999.99 and then gets hit by a bus.

   I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'................. You probably saw our posters.