Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   eHarmony should be more like Amazon for those sad lonely people. "Customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03."

   5 missed calls from your girlfriend means you have missed a good night. 5 missed calls from your wife means....that you are screwed!

   Chris Brown & I have a totally opposite understanding of the term "I'de hit that"

   tight end, stuck him, up the middle, sacked him, ball deflected, ball returned, flag is thrown, challenge, incomplete, 2 minute warning, holding, TOUCHDOWN......gotta love Football

   Why is everyone pinching me today?

   If you have to ask "You know I'm saying?", you probably didn't make your point very effectively in the first place.

   Pardon me, Ma'am, but maybe you could use one of those unlimited breadsticks you've got there to shut your screaming baby the hell up!

   Finished Christmas shopping and gift wrapping over four months ago. The puppy doesn't make as much noise as it used to.

   It would be much easier to get around town, if the highway wasn't jammed with broken heroes, on a last chance power drive.

   Happy Pagan inspired holiday taken over by American capitalist, commercialized and marketed to make billions on flowers, candy, chocolate, jewelry, dinners, hotel rooms and other gifts.

   Three skiers kiled in an avalanche today... meanwhile in my living room me and my beer remain totally safe.

   When you can't defend, dodge. When you can't dodge, deny. When you can't deny, deflect. When you can't deflect, distort. When you can't distort, dissemble. When you can't dissemble, distract. When none of that works, change the subject.

   I heard that if you golf enough, the terrorists eventually surrender.

   If we have learned anything over the the last couple years it is that if you attack a person with a gun, you may get shot and killed.

   sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets.

   weed is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

   Every girl has their favorite period underwear.

   Cats are really not all that bad...................It turns out, I've been cooking them wrong this whole time...

   used to be an aethist. Then I found out I am God....

   smells like teen spirit