Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finished Christmas shopping and gift wrapping over four months ago. The puppy doesn't make as much noise as it used to.

   It would be much easier to get around town, if the highway wasn't jammed with broken heroes, on a last chance power drive.

   Happy Pagan inspired holiday taken over by American capitalist, commercialized and marketed to make billions on flowers, candy, chocolate, jewelry, dinners, hotel rooms and other gifts.

   Three skiers kiled in an avalanche today... meanwhile in my living room me and my beer remain totally safe.

   When you can't defend, dodge. When you can't dodge, deny. When you can't deny, deflect. When you can't deflect, distort. When you can't distort, dissemble. When you can't dissemble, distract. When none of that works, change the subject.

   I heard that if you golf enough, the terrorists eventually surrender.

   If we have learned anything over the the last couple years it is that if you attack a person with a gun, you may get shot and killed.

   sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets.

   weed is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

   Every girl has their favorite period underwear.

   Cats are really not all that bad...................It turns out, I've been cooking them wrong this whole time...

   used to be an aethist. Then I found out I am God....

   smells like teen spirit

   Fat women invented the Blind Date to trick men into having to give them a free meal.

   just when you think the royal wedding was the talk of the town ha! you know us americans must allways steal your shine. up yours england

   For every guy that's participating in, "No shave November", I just want to let you know that it will also be, "No pu$$y November" for you as well.

   I saw my Arab neighbor shaking a rug off his back porch. I called him out "Whatsamatter, Ahmed? It won't start?"

   To My Future Wife: When I die, I want you to mix my ashes in a bowl of chili, then eat it. Just so I can tear that ass up one more time.

   I was holding my girlfriend's hair as she was puking and she farted at the same time. We broke up because I couldn't stop laughing.

   Donald Trump's adult sons looks like 80's movie villains you'd have to beat in a ski contest to save a shopping mall for a gang of lovable misfits.