Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Taps life on shoulder* What's your fcukin problem with me?

   Whatever low battery indicator. You aren't the bos

   Cinco de Mayo: May the 5th be with you.

   I hate when I try to rob a bank through the drive-up window and my gun gets stuck in the vacuum canister.

   Dayum girl... Are you a microwave, because you are warming me up and I bet you've had a lot of wieners explode in you.

   DOG MAGICIAN: Think of a color, any color...is it...gray?...... AUDIENCE OF DOGS: Oh, my god,,, How does he do it??

   I like my women like I like my turtles,,,,Helpless when they're on their back... Bill Cosby

   "You gonna eat that?" My wife asks,,,, pointing to my words.

   "You promise you didn't get me bees again?"............ [me from a distance].... JUST OPEN IT

   Big or small, thick or thin, Vaseline will grt it in...

   Angry sex is way better than an angry blow job.

   Technically speaking, a Twinkie is a sandwich, right??

   I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

   My internet connection failed all afternoon and I had to open a book and read it ...like a wild animal.

   World: We’re gonna use the scale where 0° is freezing and 100° is boiling. America: Cool, we’re gonna use the one that doesn’t make sense.

   How about we replace the water in these Ice bucket challenges with acid and rid ourselves of some of these self-conceited and egoistic "celebrities"???

   I was going to have sex with you , but you said okie dokie

   The Economist has calculated that the world is 52 trillion dollars in debt. Who on earth does the world owe? Jupiter?!!

   On Christmas my brothers and sisters come over with all their ADHD kids, they all really love my Amphetamine Apple Pie!

   My boyfriend just brought me flowers.. By boyfriend, I mean dog. By flowers, I mean tennis ball.