Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   they say we need to do more for the mexican people, which I think we do cause the fences arent electric.

   During sex last night I whispered those 3 little words in my wifes ear...................................."Stop, Don't Move".

   Whenever someone spells something wrong, I always look to see if the two letters are close on the keyboard.

   I dont want to brag or make anyone jealous but I can still fit into the earings I wore in high school.

   Happy 12/13/14.

   Everyone thinks they're incapable of committing murder until they see uncleared time on the microwave.

   So there's a football game going on at the Katy Perry concert?

   There has been so much snow in Mass. that Elizabeth Warren is claiming to be an Eskimo

   Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

   *Taps life on shoulder* What's your fcukin problem with me?

   Whatever low battery indicator. You aren't the bos

   Cinco de Mayo: May the 5th be with you.

   I hate when I try to rob a bank through the drive-up window and my gun gets stuck in the vacuum canister.

   Dayum girl... Are you a microwave, because you are warming me up and I bet you've had a lot of wieners explode in you.

   DOG MAGICIAN: Think of a color, any color...is it...gray?...... AUDIENCE OF DOGS: Oh, my god,,, How does he do it??

   I like my women like I like my turtles,,,,Helpless when they're on their back... Bill Cosby

   "You gonna eat that?" My wife asks,,,, pointing to my words.

   "You promise you didn't get me bees again?"............ [me from a distance].... JUST OPEN IT

   Big or small, thick or thin, Vaseline will grt it in...

   Angry sex is way better than an angry blow job.