Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Few things broadcast one's idiocy like driving a car that has wheels that look like they cost more than the car itself.

   I tasted my own medicine. It's bacon flavored and hallucinogenic. Thanks for the advice!

   Whenever I see sad and moody people, I just assume they are not getting the good sex at home, so they taking it out on the world.

   If you stalk a regular 16 year-old girl and take photos of her, you'll be arrested. But if she's famous, you'll be hired.

   I they rain on my parade, I dance in their rain.

   These are the same people who couldn't press a damn voting ballot which resulted in "hanging chads!"....LMAO!!

   I feel bad for people who didn't party in college and got D's... what a waste.

   I went to a family style restaurant today and felt right at home. They yelled at me the entire time I was there.

   I'm surprised that the government hasn't tried to force me to be normal yet.

   International Women's Day... Because it's not like you want attention on any other day...

   Teacher: Where's your homework? You: ...My dog ate it. Teacher: Your dog ate it? You: Okay! Okay! I fed it to him, so what?

   It would blow everyone's mind if one day Charlie Sheen just pulled off a mask & it was San Kinison.

   So I'm looking at a prescription medicine bottle and the directions say, "Take 1 Tablet Orally Every Day." My question is, "Who was the dumbass that stuck the tablet up his butt?"

   Trust me when I tell you.. Your Lugz DO NOT look like Timberlands..

   If I get one more Farmville notification I'm going to strap my farmer with a flamethrower and start to decorate your farm.

   Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.

   If evolution was true, mothers would have more than two hands.

   I play this fun game with ladies called "just the tip," where I refuse to pay for anything other than the gratuity at dinner.

   asked the dunkin donuts drive thru if the frozen hot chocolate is frozen or hot. The response was ...interesting. Try it!

   Government cheese makes the world a better place!