Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   International Women's Day... Because it's not like you want attention on any other day...

   Teacher: Where's your homework? You: ...My dog ate it. Teacher: Your dog ate it? You: Okay! Okay! I fed it to him, so what?

   It would blow everyone's mind if one day Charlie Sheen just pulled off a mask & it was San Kinison.

   So I'm looking at a prescription medicine bottle and the directions say, "Take 1 Tablet Orally Every Day." My question is, "Who was the dumbass that stuck the tablet up his butt?"

   Trust me when I tell you.. Your Lugz DO NOT look like Timberlands..

   If I get one more Farmville notification I'm going to strap my farmer with a flamethrower and start to decorate your farm.

   Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.

   If evolution was true, mothers would have more than two hands.

   I play this fun game with ladies called "just the tip," where I refuse to pay for anything other than the gratuity at dinner.

   asked the dunkin donuts drive thru if the frozen hot chocolate is frozen or hot. The response was ...interesting. Try it!

   Government cheese makes the world a better place!

   Well APPARENTLY,,,, baby powder + water does not make a baby................... Myth,, BUSTED...

   Justin Bieber's perfume smells like Bubble gum and shame

   It's a shame that most things aren't pies. More things should be pies.

   Please print out and redeem this post at your local retailer to receive one free: "What the FRIG is this?"

   Three things that shouldn't be broken : friendships, hearts and promises.

   i think chubby chasers are just lazy people, I mean...really, how far is this 'chase'

   I wonder if Satan ever gets tired of getting Xmas letters from dyslexic kids.

   "Shuck, Fit, Ciss, Punt!" - Dyslexic Tourettes Sufferer.

   just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks so if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!