Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not a California girl but is still unforgettable .

   wondering who trains the suicide bombers how to do it..

   I do like Sally Jessy Raphael but she REALLY does look like a Jim Henson puppet!

   My prescription's instructions say to take 1 pill "by mouth." This begs the questions: Is there, in fact, a version of this I can take "by butt?" And if so, why the hell has doc been holding out on me???

   Todays date? 90210!...I'm off to the Peach Pit!

   I realllllly want to pet a whale right now

   the oldest he has ever been.

   fighting for world peace...one beer at a time.

   kissing a walrus is like going to the glory hole booth. It seems like fun until you feel the whiskers!

   Two weeks 'til Groundhog Day, got all my shopping done, dug my hole and laid out the pine cones, all that's left is to decorate my branch and set the traps (Woo-Hoo) !!

   if they put Your brain in a bird it would fly backwards

   teach me rules .. I will teach you how to break them !!..!!

   considering mugging an Olympic medalist now that gold is at $1000 an ounce...

   Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.

   save your breath.... You'll need it to blow up your date!

   You all wouldn't know funny if it came down and slaped you upside ur wall..

   Every notice how your dream girl often turns into your nightmare?

   I try to be tolerant but then other people go and mess it up.

   I'm so old. I remember when "flash memory" meant "ability to recall guys in raincoats showing their naughty bits." Those were simpler times for sure!

   making a New Years resolution to not make a New Years resolution.