Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe I should get married. Its not like I have sex anyway.

   My dog doesn't know I stubbed my toe and wasn't yelling at him, he's been hiding under the bed 45 minutes…I think he called the cops.

   Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working

   A report indicates V iagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, V iagra sales have skyrocketed.

   I wish a girl with fake eyebrows would argue with me, I would lick my Thumb so Fast!

   Well this whole grown up thing has been fun but I have to go now...

   I like to add tension to a conference call with a surprise toilet flush.

   thinks it'll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!

   Boring Apocalypse thus far. Seems like Ryan Seacrest should be hosting a "2012 A-Rock-Alypse Eve" show from Times Square or something.....

   Anyone know when the next end of the world is?

   A pregnant Khadarshian is the last thing the world need right now, let alone pregnant by Kanye West. Reminds me of that reproducing mother Alien in he Aliens movie.

   My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.

   The best feeling in the world is when someone you hate tells a joke and nobody laughs.

   Aside from being hit and struck by a Smooth Criminal, how are you emotionally, Annie?

   BREAKING NEWS: Harvard study reveals that's not what she said.

   I’m the world record holder for the most arguments won against a woman................................................. 1 to be exact

   Thongs are like barbed wire fences. They protect the property, but don’t block the view.

   We could do this the easy way, or we could get married.

   I don't go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I'm dying to pee.

   Pickup line at Jenny Craigs: my arteries are getting hard just looking at you.