Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One smile, can start a friendship. One word, can end a fight. One look, can save a relationship. One person can change your life.

   Tropical storm Bill sucked so bad they've officially renamed it Tropical Storm Monica...

   [ouija board] Who are you? *board begins spelling* G-R-E-E-N--M-A-R-I-O What the -- a Luigi Board?! W-A-H-O-O--I-T-S-A--M-E

   *parked outside a Walgreens.... "Psst, hey kids. Wanna make $5?.. Sweet... Listen, do you know what tampons are?"

   n't it ironic that a woman wears makeup, mascara, a push up bra, spanx and high heels but wants a man who's honest!

   I love living in a small town where everyone is so friendly, unless you are from a differnt town or have a differing opinion.

   Why can't we $hit like dogs, I'm tired of wiping my @ss......

   Before you knew it, the here and now was 30 yrs ago. . .

   To the untrained eye, I'm quite handsome......

   Magic Johnson only bought the LA Sparks so his son can play on the team

   A lot of people cry when chopping Onions......the trick is not to form an emotional bond

   Hey .... I just realized that kangaroos are just little T-Rex deers ...

   Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people’s phones.

   ♪♫ I'm just a little silhouetto of a man... Got a song? Got a song stuck in your head right now? ♪♫

   Just heard a little boy call his mom "mother," as if both had already accepted the fact that he'd become a serial killer some day.

   Bill Cosby shoved pudding pops up my a$$, then things got weird.

   Good girls get presents at Christmas. Bad girls get presents all year long.

   A sure sign that drugs fu<k you up is that Russel Brand just filed for divorce from Katy Perry...WHAT,an idiot!

   WARNING: Drinking alcoholic before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

   Graduating college in 4 years is like leaving a party at 10:30