Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HIGH SCHOOL made everyone either cool , uncool , bisexual , real , fake , pregnant , dropouts , alcoholics , pot heads or somewhere in jail.

   No matter how good he looks.. Someone somewhere is tired of his sh*t!...

   You can tell it’s autumn because Nancy Peelosi used her cauldron to make chowder.

   Never really got into the show The Walking Dead because I thought it was about the Obama administration.

   I'm the Jason Bourne of finding an escape route out of the bar once the lights come on and reveal the creature I've been talking to.

   I don't believe I had the pleasure of meeting you, I mean I got your friend request, and accepted, greeted you, never heard from you! On the other hand, I do believe I'll have the pleasure of deleting you, that is certain.

   going to miss Glenn Beck and his rants.. For example "Hemp Growing Marxist fornicators are conspiring with the liberal media to fill the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool with bong water

   I saw a video today of people going crazy in Walmart grabbing stuff. I thought it was a black Friday thing. It was just the video of people protesting in Ferguson

   Hey 3rd world country... Canada could care less about the Miss Universe pageant.

   [tears open envelope] It's here! It's *really* here! The expressed written consent of the National Football League!

   my wife ran off with my best friend. I sure miss him

   Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

   Florida residents should be grateful for two things: Jersey Shore and NJ Governor Christie. Between them both, they've catapulted New Jersey to the #1 spot in the "Stupidest State in The USA" competition.

   I'm at my most savage when I'm solo love making to the lion king soundtrack.

   Someone at work asked why Batman wasn't in The Avengers movie, and now I've got a body to dispose of. :(

   Monica Lewinski will not be voting for Hillary. The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

   Not here for hook ups = Hooks up anyways, I'm to busy to date = Drops everything for a stranger, I need to be by myself for awhile = Gets back with their Ex, I don't have unprotected sex = Licks all crevasses anyways.

   Ya'll best be voting for Hillary if you wanna keep gettin' dem food stamps to sell

   John Kellogg (the cereal tycoon) founded the Race Betterment Foundation, an organization which planned to sterilize minorities in the U.S.

   I hope the fact that I'm white and married doesn't hurt my chances on blackpeoplemeet.com.