Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [tears open envelope] It's here! It's *really* here! The expressed written consent of the National Football League!

   my wife ran off with my best friend. I sure miss him

   Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

   Florida residents should be grateful for two things: Jersey Shore and NJ Governor Christie. Between them both, they've catapulted New Jersey to the #1 spot in the "Stupidest State in The USA" competition.

   I'm at my most savage when I'm solo love making to the lion king soundtrack.

   Someone at work asked why Batman wasn't in The Avengers movie, and now I've got a body to dispose of. :(

   Monica Lewinski will not be voting for Hillary. The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

   Not here for hook ups = Hooks up anyways, I'm to busy to date = Drops everything for a stranger, I need to be by myself for awhile = Gets back with their Ex, I don't have unprotected sex = Licks all crevasses anyways.

   Ya'll best be voting for Hillary if you wanna keep gettin' dem food stamps to sell

   John Kellogg (the cereal tycoon) founded the Race Betterment Foundation, an organization which planned to sterilize minorities in the U.S.

   I hope the fact that I'm white and married doesn't hurt my chances on blackpeoplemeet.com.

   One smile, can start a friendship. One word, can end a fight. One look, can save a relationship. One person can change your life.

   Tropical storm Bill sucked so bad they've officially renamed it Tropical Storm Monica...

   [ouija board] Who are you? *board begins spelling* G-R-E-E-N--M-A-R-I-O What the -- a Luigi Board?! W-A-H-O-O--I-T-S-A--M-E

   *parked outside a Walgreens.... "Psst, hey kids. Wanna make $5?.. Sweet... Listen, do you know what tampons are?"

   n't it ironic that a woman wears makeup, mascara, a push up bra, spanx and high heels but wants a man who's honest!

   I love living in a small town where everyone is so friendly, unless you are from a differnt town or have a differing opinion.

   Why can't we $hit like dogs, I'm tired of wiping my @ss......

   Before you knew it, the here and now was 30 yrs ago. . .

   To the untrained eye, I'm quite handsome......