Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ya know... statisically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy...

   Call Of Duty will really have a guy thinking about joining the army. Then you realize how many times you died...

   Ham and Eggs:: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

   The side effects of the new medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea,,, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   If my balls get any sweatier, they'll start wearing a poncho and speaking Spanish

   I married my wife for her looks........just not the ones she's been giving me lately!

   "I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others." - The phrase that started Facebook

   Man I sure hope these Brazilian volleyball chicks make out to celebrate their win.

   I perform my best sexually at gunpoint.

   Was it wrong to wear a "I love happy endings" t-shirt to massage envy?

   The person who truly sees will marvel at everyday things.

   How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.

   Tell her you'd die without her. Woman love to think you'd die without them.

   I'm only here for the alibi.

   My sister is going to a theme park tomorrow. I told her to have fun. Frightening to think what could've happened had I not shared that tip

   I suffer from amnesia and dejavu...I think I have forgotten this before...

   “Go out there and get your ass kicked by Steven Seagul” - Script for everyone else in a Steven Seagal movie.

   Me and the missus have got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80s music. Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark....

   CHINA vs INDIA - What a shaky situation for the United States. Who to side with. The Country who owns our mortgage and makes our stuff. Or the country who we handed all of our IT operations to.

   My wifes husband is a great guy!! Not to mention how cool her kids dad is...