Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others." - The phrase that started Facebook

   Man I sure hope these Brazilian volleyball chicks make out to celebrate their win.

   I perform my best sexually at gunpoint.

   Was it wrong to wear a "I love happy endings" t-shirt to massage envy?

   The person who truly sees will marvel at everyday things.

   How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.

   Tell her you'd die without her. Woman love to think you'd die without them.

   I'm only here for the alibi.

   My sister is going to a theme park tomorrow. I told her to have fun. Frightening to think what could've happened had I not shared that tip

   I suffer from amnesia and dejavu...I think I have forgotten this before...

   “Go out there and get your ass kicked by Steven Seagul” - Script for everyone else in a Steven Seagal movie.

   Me and the missus have got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80s music. Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark....

   CHINA vs INDIA - What a shaky situation for the United States. Who to side with. The Country who owns our mortgage and makes our stuff. Or the country who we handed all of our IT operations to.

   My wifes husband is a great guy!! Not to mention how cool her kids dad is...

   “If I was a dog, I would so hump your leg right now!”

   Poor (adj.) When you have too much month at the end of your money

   Just a reminder that you don't have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.

   How are we supposed to get through the impending zombie apocalypse without Hostess Twinkies!?

   I'm not crying, I just have some emotions stuck in my eye.

   Just got 12 new girlfriends...or as some of you call it a 6 pair pack of tube socks