Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q: What do you have when Hillary Clinton is at the beach buried up to her neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.

   ▶Music♩♪♫♬ Volume: ▁ ▂ ▃ ▄ ▅ ▆ █ 100 %

   Dear Santa, please bring me a new butt, mine has a crack in it!

   you know that feeling when you pick your nose and it all comes out in one long string... thats how I feel right now!

   Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

   I wish I could hire some of those Mexican workers to do all my work on Farmville.

   Remember. Guns aren't illegal. We just want you to prove you're not a psychopath before you buy it.

   Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to "Unstable"

   All those things on Morgan Freeman's face are the missing pieces of Seal's face.

   Moving into the White house would be living in poverty for Trump...he'd be slumming it.

   catching pokemon

   Listening to Obama talk about the economy is like listening to a chick talk about football.

   Joe B¡den looks like he smells like pee.

   a police uniform is just another gang color

   Sex is like pizza. When's it's good it's good. When it's bad it's still pretty good.

   A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

   I disagree with Kay Jewelers. On any given Friday or Saturday night I'd bet more kisses start with Bud Light than Kay.

   Hey Rihanna, do you mind if me if me, Lil Wayne, Drake & the guys skateboard on your forehead?

   In the absence of peace & love, we teach war & hate as an escape from the problems we are too lazy to solve.

   A book commits suicide every time you watch Jersey shore. Post a pic of a favorite book as your profile pic in support of the many books that have lost their lives. (Note: Please do not post Twilight "books," this is serious!)RE-POST and make a difference