Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Santa, please bring me a new butt, mine has a crack in it!

   Remember. Guns aren't illegal. We just want you to prove you're not a psychopath before you buy it.

   Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to "Unstable"

   All those things on Morgan Freeman's face are the missing pieces of Seal's face.

   Moving into the White house would be living in poverty for Trump...he'd be slumming it.

   catching pokemon

   Listening to Obama talk about the economy is like listening to a chick talk about football.

   Joe B¡den looks like he smells like pee.

   a police uniform is just another gang color

   Sex is like pizza. When's it's good it's good. When it's bad it's still pretty good.

   A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

   I disagree with Kay Jewelers. On any given Friday or Saturday night I'd bet more kisses start with Bud Light than Kay.

   Hey Rihanna, do you mind if me if me, Lil Wayne, Drake & the guys skateboard on your forehead?

   In the absence of peace & love, we teach war & hate as an escape from the problems we are too lazy to solve.

   A book commits suicide every time you watch Jersey shore. Post a pic of a favorite book as your profile pic in support of the many books that have lost their lives. (Note: Please do not post Twilight "books," this is serious!)RE-POST and make a difference

   WARNING FOR ATTRACTIVE MEN: Aliens have come to Earth and are planning to abduct the smart and good-looking. But don't worry, I've alien-proofed my bedroom. You can be safe there...

   Sure, sure, Egypt . . you started a revolution with a facebook page. But have you stopped child abuse by changing your profile pic to a cartoon character for a week? Yeah, didn't think so. Go America!

   I knew this hurricane would be lame. After all, they named it after a chinese lady with one leg.

   just rescued some wine.. it was trapped in a bottle. I saved the day!

   The game should really be called Angry Terds, because the only time I ever seem to play it is on the toilet.