Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Mariah: It's not as easy as it looks. -Milli Vanilli

   Nice try MacDonalds, trying to give away you're secret sauce, I've already have a bottle of thousand island dressing in the refrigerator

   I have good taste, I just don't have the money to prove it.

   Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

   FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...

   It's probably called almond milk because nut juice doesn't sound as enticing..

   Harvey Weinstein is a woman hating jerk. I hope he never makes another dime again.

   The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.

   I saw two guys wearing matching outfits. I asked if they were g@y? They arrested me.

   The only president who didn't blame the previous administration for all his troubles was George Washington.

   Elizabeth and Bernie have both been in Washington for like 50 years so why haven't they fixed the tax codes yet?

   looking at the "voluntary" tax contribution box on his 1040 form and wondering what planet those IRS guys are from.

   According to the segment on American Idol's "Idol Gives Back", they just showed $10 was able to purchase 90 lbs of food. Where do these people shop? I can't do that at Wal-Mart, Kroger, or any other place.

   When you put 'aspiring' in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I'm unemployed.

   I only know how to do things 3 ways: the WRONG way. the RIGHT way. and MY way. Which is really the WRONG way, only faster!

   the only thing more funny then this stupid status update is that your still taking time out of your busy day to read it..

   With great power comes a great electric bill...

   Ed Hardy makes condoms now? Fine by me. I think we can all agree that anybody who buys one probably shouldn't breed.

   Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.

   taking a trip to the "far side" today.. Yes.. I am going to Wal-Mart..