Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well I can't be an optimistic if my blood type is " B NEGATIVE "

   You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!

   Ah facebook, bringing the drama of the outside world straight to your home computer.

   Stupidity comes in all shapes, sizes, flavors and colors.

   Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when the person across the aisle is reading it?

   Insomnia is a glamorous term for 'thoughts you forgot to have in the day.'

   The tire on my car is shaking like a stripper!

   It's happened: I have developed real emotions for my iPhone. Actually , It's no surprise, because I was raised by a TV and a microwave.

   It's impossible for me to dance without making the "I'm the sh!t" face.

   too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.

   I'm about sick of passwords! Pretty soon you'll need one to take a piss. ..oh, you have to use the bathroom- what's your password and user id

   things I learned from frank sinatra 1. a lady never leaves her escort and 2. a lady doesn't wander all over the room and blow on some other guys dice.

   Treating the whole world as if it works for you doesn't suggest you're special, it means you're an a$$.

   Right now....your tongue can't find a comfortable spot in your mouth

   Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

   I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...

   Every time we say, "Let's pull an all-nighter!" Every time we fall asleep.

   Kraft is raising the price of Maxwell House Coffee 22%. Apparently their new motto will be “As expensive as Starbucks without the attitude.”

   News Flash: Bears in Yosemite rejoicing over possible government shutdown.

   Mutton Chops will never go out of style in my eyes.