Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had no idea Instagram was down until a girl in front of me at Starbucks cancelled her order, saying "Instagram is down it's useless"

   Friday is like the bacon of the work week salad, and yes, Monday is like the brown lettuce

   Bad things happen when you try to multitask with a single task brain.

   My favorite meal of the day is beer.

   Thinks being a responsible adult is way overrated.

   Well I can't be an optimistic if my blood type is " B NEGATIVE "

   You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!

   Ah facebook, bringing the drama of the outside world straight to your home computer.

   Stupidity comes in all shapes, sizes, flavors and colors.

   Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when the person across the aisle is reading it?

   Insomnia is a glamorous term for 'thoughts you forgot to have in the day.'

   The tire on my car is shaking like a stripper!

   It's happened: I have developed real emotions for my iPhone. Actually , It's no surprise, because I was raised by a TV and a microwave.

   It's impossible for me to dance without making the "I'm the sh!t" face.

   too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.

   I'm about sick of passwords! Pretty soon you'll need one to take a piss. ..oh, you have to use the bathroom- what's your password and user id

   things I learned from frank sinatra 1. a lady never leaves her escort and 2. a lady doesn't wander all over the room and blow on some other guys dice.

   Treating the whole world as if it works for you doesn't suggest you're special, it means you're an a$$.

   Right now....your tongue can't find a comfortable spot in your mouth

   Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.