Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thesaurus .cōm is down which is inconvenient and also inconvenient.

   What? You mean human beings still have pubic hair? By choice?

   Lazy rule. As soon as I get under the blanket covers, all of today's responsibilities, become tomorrow's problem.

   My girlfriend is almost perfect. She loves everything about me; listens to me, and cares about my feelings. Her only flaw? She does not exist.

   Between James Holmes, the Penn State case, and the Penn State fans... there's just a lot of sick people in the world. Trust no one!!

   Rest In Peace Sherman Hemsley aka George Jefferson.. You're differently moving on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky.

   I'm not watching the Olympics, but I've seen Cool Runnings, so like, I get it.

   If you didn't hump Christina Ricci... then you're doing Wednesday wrong.

   I always wanna take the waitress home with me and give her a tip there.

   Dear Google, Stop making stupid doodles to f**k with the productivity of the employees of other offices.

   I seriously need to get out of the house. Unless some generous woman with alcohol is coming over for sex. In that case I seriously need to stay home.

   BEST ADVICE: Stick to One-Night-Stands, The biggest cause of marriage is dating.

   if every guy was like me there would be a lot of happy women out there

   Your soulmate is out there. Crying in their car, listening to 90s rap while you waste your life with people you don't even like.

   Don't forget it's Throwback Thursday. If they're not loving and treating you right, throw'em back into the sea!

   I had no idea Instagram was down until a girl in front of me at Starbucks cancelled her order, saying "Instagram is down it's useless"

   Friday is like the bacon of the work week salad, and yes, Monday is like the brown lettuce

   Bad things happen when you try to multitask with a single task brain.

   My favorite meal of the day is beer.

   Thinks being a responsible adult is way overrated.