Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   these keys I hold in my hand open up a very important part of my life,.. your chastity belt

   Zaa Zaa Gabor is doing well after her hip replacement surgury. The hip was donated by the Museum of Natural History

   It's hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen.

   I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

   There's literally no one in the world who uses the word "literally" properly

   just found out red bull has no bull in it -- going back to beef shakes

   Nobody goes to that Bar anymore. It's too crowded... wait, what, nevermind, let's go!"

   Always leaves my toenail clippers open, never know when an intruder might show up

   maybe Taylor should try dating girls. I hear Biebs is available...

   you can only bring sexy back if you have the receipt and in its original condition and packaging.

   For god sakes I'm left handed, could you just take your own bra off?

   Quick, die! I'll explain later.

   Ladies, please quote Marilyn Monroe more. After all, she was so smart and successful in her personal life…

   A man skilled at breaking his urine flow will be equally skilled at holding his ejaculation... I dunno, I really just make this s hit up.

   I have ADHD. Yup..... high-definition TV in the years after the birth of Jesus.

   I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

   "I am ugly" - girls who want you to tell them they are pretty.

   Ive waited in line an entire hour to vote, Ended up voting for some guy named Master Chief.

   what's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? the taste.

   Restarting the whole song because you missed your favorite line.