Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The world is at peace when you're eating a hamburger.

   She doesn't trust him an inch. If she doesn't find any strange hairs on his jackets she just accuses him of having an affair with a bald woman.

   thinks it's funny that the Carnival cruise ship passengers were complaining about having no showers and eating nothing but Spam and Pop-Tarts. Right now thousands of male computer science majors are trying to find out how to sign up for the next cruise.

   No one can do everything, BUT everyone can do something!!!

   If anyone sees a bunch of people in their front yard tonight, don't be alarmed, were just christmas tree shopping.

   Change is inevitable,except from vending machines.

   the best things in life...involve rum!

   Always leaves my toenail clippers open, never know when an intruder might show up

   maybe Taylor should try dating girls. I hear Biebs is available...

   you can only bring sexy back if you have the receipt and in its original condition and packaging.

   For god sakes I'm left handed, could you just take your own bra off?

   Quick, die! I'll explain later.

   Ladies, please quote Marilyn Monroe more. After all, she was so smart and successful in her personal life…

   A man skilled at breaking his urine flow will be equally skilled at holding his ejaculation... I dunno, I really just make this s hit up.

   I have ADHD. Yup..... high-definition TV in the years after the birth of Jesus.

   I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

   "I am ugly" - girls who want you to tell them they are pretty.

   Ive waited in line an entire hour to vote, Ended up voting for some guy named Master Chief.

   what's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? the taste.

   Restarting the whole song because you missed your favorite line.