Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ...it's so cold out, I just Googled, "how to induce menopause"...

   Seattle vs Denver..Washington St vs Colorado...marijuana SuperBOWL..

   This Valentine's Day, make sure to give her something you both can use and WANT... A divorce

   I save money on toilet paper by keeping the 12-foot long receipts I get after every purchase at CVS.

   Can people actually be allergic to sex or is my wife just pretending to be?

   heard that Elin is filing for divorce. In the filing, the reason listed was "irreconcilable waitresses".

   believes people are all the same, we only get judged by what we do.

   got an idea--an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about

   Time is money. If you want to save on one it will cost more of the other!

   just decided to fire her personal trainer. It wasn't working out.

   in a relationship with Bud Light and her liver is in a relationship with Jager Bomb, which gets complicated when we all hang out together!

   wondering..uhh...if Wonder Woman's plane was invisible... how the $%@! did she find it?

   Cam Newton's winning the Heisman surprised no one - especially Julian Assange, who knew about it a month ago.

   "When they're not fighting or racing light cycles, I'll bet the citizens of TRON spend a lot of time on the phone with tech support" -Conan OBrien

   My TV remote control is kicking my butt at hide and seek

   wondering why villians just don't shoot Batman in the chin?

   Have to show ID at the Pharmacy to by 6 dollars of OTC cold medicine but I can go to the ABC store and buy a truckload of booze and they won't even card me. Wait a minute, does that mean I'm old. . .... . .

   The sweetest voice mail message at work is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it."

   Hey!!! It's a "pedestrian crosswalk" you douche, not a "leap in front of my car like a freaking maniac walk!"

   A hangover will occupy a head that wasn't used the night before.