Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ...it's so cold out, I just Googled, "how to induce menopause"...

   Seattle vs Denver..Washington St vs Colorado...marijuana SuperBOWL..

   This Valentine's Day, make sure to give her something you both can use and WANT... A divorce

   I save money on toilet paper by keeping the 12-foot long receipts I get after every purchase at CVS.

   Can people actually be allergic to sex or is my wife just pretending to be?

   heard that Elin is filing for divorce. In the filing, the reason listed was "irreconcilable waitresses".

   believes people are all the same, we only get judged by what we do.

   got an idea--an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about

   Time is money. If you want to save on one it will cost more of the other!

   just decided to fire her personal trainer. It wasn't working out.

   in a relationship with Bud Light and her liver is in a relationship with Jager Bomb, which gets complicated when we all hang out together!

   wondering..uhh...if Wonder Woman's plane was invisible... how the $%@! did she find it?

   Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint

   might not be the sharpest marble in the crayon box

   An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere. The pessimist sees only the red light. But the truly wise person is color blind.

   I just don't understand England's performance. Surely John Terry hasn't had time to sleep with all their wives?

   Sometimes I think the world would be much better without so much technology. ~ Sent from my iPhone.

   When I flush spiders down the toilet, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm simply letting them experience their own private Raging Waters.

   Chills and they're multiplying

   The world is at peace when you're eating a hamburger.