Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a million fish in the sea,,, but I haven't lowered my standards just yet to date fish.

   Sure sex is great but have you ever stared at your phone all day?

   If you don't think size matters, I'm giving you the smallest coffee mug.

   Underwear need pockets. If you want to walk around without pants, where are you supposed to put your phone?

   Sometimes I think I got away with all the alcohol I've drank...but then I drool mid thought and realize...nope.

   To the old age you've learnt anything through knowledge and experience; the problem is you remember none of them.

   Things ain't nobody got time for: That

   It's Sunday and that only means I want Chic Fil A

   Just imgine if we've all met somewhere as a reunion of years together providing funny.... thanks for the fun times guys and gals!!

   What temperature does Miley boil at??

   Two Franciscan priests opened a Long John Silver's franchise. One was the fish friar and the other was the chip monk.

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?... Me: No Sir. I thought sure you would know.

   Morning wood starts the best fire.

   With the NFL starting this week, as a Redskins fan I have this feeling of impending doom.

   I'm not saying I'm psychic, but I'm positive I will have no interest in what you're about to say.

   Waiting 30 seconds for a Youtube Ad feels a bit too much like a long term relationship.

   I get particularly worried when cows lick themselves because we are in for some serious competition if they find out how delicious they are.

   Sarcasm needs its own font

   BOOP! -Zebra walking past a self-service checkout.

   I'd call you a p*ssy, but you don't have the depth or the warmth to live up to it.