Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I walked in on my son flushing handfuls of Skittles down the toilet "OMG! Check this out Dad!" He said excitedly "It's just like watching NASCAR at Bristol!"

   It's pretty clear now, if it wasn't already, Trump is just a schill to ensure Hillary wins.... This is 'democracy' in action....

   What do I call people who don't like Halloween? Boring. I call them boring.

   Jokes on you, kids who put shaving cream on my car... I was gonna shave my car anyway.

   I'm very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

   You had me at "family history of premature death".

   Judging by the gold teeth in this Footlocker employees mouth, either he has a side job or Footlocker has phenomenal detal benefits.

   I very rarely piss people off but when I do it's usually loud and spectacular

   Nothing ruins a Hump Day like not getting Humped!

   if we couldn't laugh we would al go insane...

   The most realistic part of Avengers: Age of Ultron was Ultron deciding the human race must be destroyed after spending a few hours on the Internet.

   If you've every seen someone try to put an old dollar bill into a vending machine, then you've pretty much seen my sex tape.

   I'm beginning to feel jealous of you and your pics with your dads...I don't get to see mine til tomorrow when he delivers the milk

   Crazy how the Pointer Sisters say they're JUST burning doing the Neutron Dance like it's not a huge deal to catch fire from dancing

   It takes Axl Rose approximately 12 minutes to sing 2 verses of "Head, Shoulders, na-na-na-na-na-na-Knees and Toes."

   Always be yourself. Even if you have to fake it.

   By the power vested in me... I now pronounce me going to sleep

   *Caterpillar marriage therapy... Wife: he's not the man I married...Husband flying around room: I'm the same on the inside Susan !!!

   Seen a pregnant woman with 4 kids just letting them run wild in Walmart. She said "Can you believe my baby is 5 days past due?"...I said "Yeah, he was probably warned by your other kids."......And that's when the fight started....

   Lazy is as lazy doesn't.