Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your mum is gonna do that thing your daddy likes tonight because it's a holiday. Food for thought.

   How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

   Keep your friends close, and a bottle of vodka closer!

   Lawyers do this cute little thing where they say "retainer fee" but they really mean "BJ".

   You can never rule out the possibility that someone in your life is dead and you've been getting Weekend-at-Bernie'ed.

   Never get your panties in a bunch... The good quality ones are sold individually.

   I'm just looking for a nice girl who can peel a banana without using her hands or teeth.

   The hardest part about going to Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you don't have a problem.

   I judge how my week is going by how many times I've had to sit down in my shower.

   X says There is no problem in the entire world that could not be resolved if everyone would just do it Jimmy Buffett's way!!

   They should put O.J. and Zimmerman in the same cell and let them fight over the last "Little Debbie"

   Ladies; loving your husband comes down to 2 simple points. 1. Accept his flaws. 2. Point them out when losing any argument.

   The last person to enter the house's of parliament with honourable initiations was Guy Fawkes!

   Bees are the original suicide bombers.

   likes The Walking Dead, but there is way too much character development and not enough character devourment.

   No matter how old I get, I always know that I'll have to mentally sing my ABC's to know which letter comes next.

   My husband gets so confused when I say yes to sex, you'd think I changed the location of his food bowl.

   I'm no longer looking for "Mr. Right." I'll settle for "Mr. He'll Do."

   She said she can't resist a guy in uniform, so I put in my résumé to Burger King. and now I wait.

   Just case my wife creates a joint FB account, I've already hired a hit man to murder me and frame her.