Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank god for the UNFOLLOW function. With one click, they stop existing in your world and on your timeline.

   Bernie wii now feel the burn.

   After seeing Stephanie, I see why it's called "Fuller House"!

   Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent, polite and well-mannered that we only look at the remaining 10% that is covered..

   Do you ever start rubbing your eyes and then it feels so really good and you can't stop so it's like eye masterbation....

   "Please sir, I have a family." - Waiter pleads as he continues to grate cheese onto your plate in a dark empty restaurant, hours after close.

   To clear the air: I didn't get kicked out of the pet shop for telling a bird to "suck my genitals." I was trying to teach the parrot to say it.

   Cinco De Mayo,Celebrated more in the Southwest than in Mexico, Because there is MORE Freedom in America where they are trespassing than in the country Mexico where they came from. But constantly complain that the US is not enough like Mexico

   Next time you need to fart in public, say "Do I smell popcorn" then watch everyone take a deep breath

   relationship status: LOL

   "You're as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care

   Was Sharknado made just so they could finish off a reel?

   I hate you like Americans hate the Kardashians.

   When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.

   Never the trendsetter his cousin Davy was, explorer Stevie Crockett failed in his attempt to popularize the skunkskin cap

   You smell good. You are my new girlfriend now. You have 24 hours to get rid of your husband.

   What's the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I'm mailing to someone

   They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. so ladies, be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.

   bad news: 2 Chainz will not be performing as scheduled. good news: 2 Chainz will not be performing as scheduled.

   It's like I'm the only one in this gym who thinks groin fitness is important.