Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   every movie is practically comin out in 3d, maybe thats why I feel cross-eyed

   I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.

   To all you virgins.....Thanks for nothing!

   I just heard that Bernie beat Hillary. This is getting out of hand! At least Donald Trump doesn't beat women!

   Press 1 for English.....Who do I get? A Filipino speaking broken English....Sheesh! Hang up, try again.

   New Condom Slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's gonna get your paychecks.

   Thank god for the UNFOLLOW function. With one click, they stop existing in your world and on your timeline.

   Bernie wii now feel the burn.

   After seeing Stephanie, I see why it's called "Fuller House"!

   Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent, polite and well-mannered that we only look at the remaining 10% that is covered..

   Do you ever start rubbing your eyes and then it feels so really good and you can't stop so it's like eye masterbation....

   "Please sir, I have a family." - Waiter pleads as he continues to grate cheese onto your plate in a dark empty restaurant, hours after close.

   To clear the air: I didn't get kicked out of the pet shop for telling a bird to "suck my genitals." I was trying to teach the parrot to say it.

   Cinco De Mayo,Celebrated more in the Southwest than in Mexico, Because there is MORE Freedom in America where they are trespassing than in the country Mexico where they came from. But constantly complain that the US is not enough like Mexico

   Next time you need to fart in public, say "Do I smell popcorn" then watch everyone take a deep breath

   relationship status: LOL

   "You're as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care

   Was Sharknado made just so they could finish off a reel?

   I hate you like Americans hate the Kardashians.

   When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.